isleofavalon | You gotta live better than you were though

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You gotta live better than you were though

🧙 WHO: Gokudera and YOU
⚔️️ WHAT: August catch-all! OTA
🕒 WHEN: August
🗺️ WHERE: New Camelot (predominantly)
⚠️ WARNINGS: Language, violence, drugs, mentions of past trauma: self-immolation, slavery

I. Healing Circle After Party

Despite most of his friends helping him, Gokudera has felt very alone since he learned of Yamamoto's absence. It's not the first time he's lost someone he's cared about. He's not being loud about his heartbreak and has seen on the network that others have lost some people important to them as well. But how often do you lose six different versions of your same friend/rival from home?

Gokudera feels a bit numb, and the strangulation he faced before is healed, but... still, there's pain. It feels like it never goes away, and on his own self-reflection, he realizes it's because he's focusing on it. He needs to use his head before his collar gets rid of it, and he can't problem-solve when it feels like his heart aches more now than it ever has before.

He collects yarrow and lemon balm, enjoying the smell and seeming almost to meditate while he gathers herbs. Once he's done, he's looking about for someone to sit with. There is no visible injury on the young man, and whatever he's going through, he doesn't want to talk about it. He'd rather just get on with the meditative healing.

Even burning the herbs seems somewhat traumatic, and so he closes his eyes and takes a steady breath, wondering why and how he suddenly became so wary of flames. The first thing he will share is fear and pain, a sinking feeling starting from the fingers and winding up the muscle of arms and causing a slight bit of panic. Sorry for sharing, but at least no one has to listen to him talk about why an explosives expert is scared of fire, right?

II. Crystal Mushroom

Gokudera gets on the quest board regularly (it's how he makes most of his money, in fact). Some manual labor feels nice, and he enjoys getting his hands dirty, literally, if only to focus on something he feels he has control over. Cleaning is one thing.

Taking care of a drug-dealer's source is another.

But still, work he can do. Gokudera's out to find Wendy, and he's dressed the part of the mafioso he is. The teen's donned a suit and he's come with the intent to threaten with dynamite, or explain that Wendy might find herself with some bad luck. If anyone stops him on his way to find her, he'll be honest.

He's going to beat up some drug-dealer. That's all they need to know. Gonna take out some aggression. Want to supervise? Help him? Hold him back? Talk him out of it?

III. Don't Treep, Man

Gokudera can be found repairing fences, looking out for fairy nests in the farm land, and helping to clean up the orchards. He has no green magic, but it's moments like these that he wish he did. The boy's very eager to be close to real, live trees. Too many years trapped in worlds where everything was either a hologram, or irradiated has him grateful to sit on fertile soil while he takes a hammer to a fence. The sun might be beating down on him a little too hard, burning at his skin, and he may appreciate someone helping him out. The fairies in the area seem to be enjoying his company, though, and are a fun distraction.]

I don't suppose any of you have tips for staying cool?

[The faeries, of course, don't respond, but just keep on gathering blades of grass and taking them back to their nest. Gokudera offers one a nail, looks it over, and then gets up to go make a sort of laundry line by pushing two into the dirt by their nest, tying a string about them, and then leaving a few sweets.]

Don't let the ants get to them, now...

[Few people have seen how tender the boy is towards the fae, and despite what he's been through, he continues to offer gifts, smiles, and any help he can.]

IV. Animal Mage Hunt - Platina Faun

[It's been... an odd couple weeks, and now, for some reason, he's woken up without his normal lower half. Gokudera's not keen on leaving the house, but he has to attend classes, has to escort the Tenth to them. His current transformation is making going out in public especially difficult. He can't wear pants, because he can't fit them past his new set of legs, and his pet leopard keeps looking at him oddly, so he can't stay inside, either. Gokudera can be found napping by the training grounds, eager to spar with anyone who wants a new challenge, or he can be found moving about the forest, foraging for food and stones.

He's keeping to himself, but can also be found walking about the streets of New Camelot, just... trying to run errands as if his cloven footsteps weren't loudly announcing his new features. His bigger concern is whether or not he'll change back. If he does, hopefully it will be in the privacy of his own home, where being without pants is at least acceptable.

Oh well, at least the little stubby horns popping out through his silver hair are cute.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Hijikata learned of Gokudera's miserable multiverse adventures during the latest trials from Celliwig, but there's still a lot he doesn't know about what's haunting the boy. He was dawdling from area to area during the open house day, and when he heard the healing circle advertised he wasn't exactly jumping for it at first. That sort of stuff is for sensitive people! But the longer the option remained in the back of his mind, the more a quiet internal voice prodded him into taking part (why did that voice kind of sound like his Mitsuba's?).

When he sits down with Gokudera, having beelined towards him as soon as he saw him, he has cinnamon and apple blossoms to offer (he thinks the latter are blooming out of season, but... well, it's Avalon). Don't mind his bull traits, Gokudera, he's already been hit by the animal spell and is pretty much just taking it in stride. He's not happy to still see the damn collar on Gokudera, but they both knew it wouldn't be easy to get rid of.

As they burn their herbs and the smoke surrounds them he swiftly gets hit by what the teenager across from him is feeling, and he's not at all prepared for it, so his eyes go wide for a moment before he steadies himself to withstand the decidedly unpleasant sensation travelling up his arms. They've been instructed not to speak, so he changes the loose hand-hold between them into a proper, solid grasp, trying to reassure him. What happened to him? Gokudera may be able to sense his concern for him.]

[Gokudera looks up in surprise at his healing companion, and his expression falls into something apologetic and embarrassed. He won’t deny what he’s feeling, as it is the source he needs to focus on in order to heal.

The more smoke, the more companionship, the easier it is to breathe, to accept that he’s at fault for how he feels. It’s easier to be in control when no one else is to blame. He looks on at the smoke trailing off the herbs, and his hand gives a tentative squeeze in Hijikata’s grasp, almost as if in reassurance.

Now that the fear is ebbing, fading into acceptance, there is something else that is still unpleasant (aren’t all of his injuries that need to be addressed?), and it may just start as weight.

It’s loss, and a sense of betrayal.

Aurora had told him to not deny his feelings, so he’s just going to feel them. Still, ever shy, he drops his head to shadow his expression.

This sucks. He won’t ever say, but he feels a sort of reliance on Hijikata, a respect he doesn’t usually harbor. It’s embarrassing to be seen like this.]

[Hijikata is relieved that Gokudera is allowing himself to rely on him for this exercise, truly. He doesn't have much pain to share himself, only vague worries for his loved ones frozen in time, so he feels that he's well able to lend him, who has been through a lot of hardship yet keeps it to himself, some of his strength.

In a way it's easier to communicate without speaking, because Hijikata often struggles to find the right words, or even just kind words. He lightly strokes Gokudera's hands with his thumbs without loosening his grasp, just for a moment, wanting to add a sense of comfort to the reassurance. It's good that Gokudera doesn't suppress his feelings; that'd only lead down a bad path. Hijikata would know.

The sense of loss is familiar... there's Mitsuba, who was so frail and died before her time, and of course Hijikata lost subordinates ever so often, but those were equally dedicated to the Shinsengumi's cause as him and fought until the end. Dealing with the losses on these strange in-between worlds is more confusing. While Hijikata didn't lose the same person 6 times over there's more than one cherished friend he first got to know on Prismatica, was reunited with on Avalon, and then separated from again. But that's the same for all of them, isn't it? Still, it doesn't get any easier.

The feeling of betrayal is one Hijikata is less familiar with. Back home the Shinsengumi was once betrayed by one of its own members, Itou, who managed to split off a faction and tried to kill Commander Kondou, but Hijikata never took that personally. He never liked Itou to begin with, so he frankly welcomed the justification to take him out. How was Gokudera betrayed? He doesn't prod, though, and simply lets him work his way through his feelings.

He can sense that Gokudera, in this moment, looks at him as a big brother, a guardian, a senpai, something along those lines, and he does his utmost to convey his readiness to accept that role. He, too, was once a teenage delinquent, and when Kondou entered his life it helped him so much. He's not as kind of a person as Kondou, but if he's good enough for Gokudera, then he'll do his best for him.]

[The sense of betrayal is less intense, but likely stands out compared to the other pain Gokudera's trying to let go of. It's merely a facet of anger in his mourning, frustration and locking himself away, committing to someone who promised they wouldn't ever leave. It's not fair to blame anyone this world took away, but that won't stop how he feels. Not having to speak this makes him feel less immature. To voice his anger would be unreasonable.

It's his own fault for being hurt, he thinks. He shouldn't have let himself get so happy. Gokudera should have known that everything would balance out, and so a swing in the direction of his good fortune on another world made the crash back in Avalon that much worse.

But it's all just becoming a low level frustration the more he accepts that he can't change any of how he feels. It's just going to happen, and the point of this meditation is to heal. He won't if he stays hung up on every roadblock and gets in the way of his own happiness here.

Expression hidden, he's not looking at his companion so much as feeling that the weight on his shoulders is lifting. Hijikata is... accepting of his feelings, and this isn't any way of sharing that makes the teen feel as vulnerable. It's easier to just let it out, to acknowledge and move on. He takes a few more slow, deep breaths and his grip softens at the rub of the other man's thumb.

Then he's looking at Hijikata before moving to stand, to break that connection and walk away. He pulls out his cigarettes, taps the box against his palm, pulls one out and offers to the other before nodding his head to the side, inviting him to join him in a walk and a smoke. They can talk, if the other wants. Gokudera has questions of his own.]

[If Hijikata could sense even that nuance, then it'll make perfect sense to him. The way people are torn apart in these worlds, then maybe reunited with one of them missing memories... it takes its toll. But the alternative - never opening up to others, never getting that close to anyone - wouldn't be worth it, not in Hijikata's opinion.

When Gokudera breaks contact it signals the end of the meditation. Hijikata felt the boy's emotions get less and less intense, like a storm gradually calming down, and he takes that as a good sign, but he still easily accepts the unspoken offer to walk with him in the gardens. He now knows that Gokudera has his own fire magic, but he offers his little flame regardless. He'll let him speak first, wanting to give him a chance to order his thought a little beforehand if he needs to.]

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