isleofavalon | You gotta live better than you were though

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You gotta live better than you were though

🧙 WHO: Gokudera and YOU
⚔️️ WHAT: August catch-all! OTA
🕒 WHEN: August
🗺️ WHERE: New Camelot (predominantly)
⚠️ WARNINGS: Language, violence, drugs, mentions of past trauma: self-immolation, slavery

I. Healing Circle After Party

Despite most of his friends helping him, Gokudera has felt very alone since he learned of Yamamoto's absence. It's not the first time he's lost someone he's cared about. He's not being loud about his heartbreak and has seen on the network that others have lost some people important to them as well. But how often do you lose six different versions of your same friend/rival from home?

Gokudera feels a bit numb, and the strangulation he faced before is healed, but... still, there's pain. It feels like it never goes away, and on his own self-reflection, he realizes it's because he's focusing on it. He needs to use his head before his collar gets rid of it, and he can't problem-solve when it feels like his heart aches more now than it ever has before.

He collects yarrow and lemon balm, enjoying the smell and seeming almost to meditate while he gathers herbs. Once he's done, he's looking about for someone to sit with. There is no visible injury on the young man, and whatever he's going through, he doesn't want to talk about it. He'd rather just get on with the meditative healing.

Even burning the herbs seems somewhat traumatic, and so he closes his eyes and takes a steady breath, wondering why and how he suddenly became so wary of flames. The first thing he will share is fear and pain, a sinking feeling starting from the fingers and winding up the muscle of arms and causing a slight bit of panic. Sorry for sharing, but at least no one has to listen to him talk about why an explosives expert is scared of fire, right?

II. Crystal Mushroom

Gokudera gets on the quest board regularly (it's how he makes most of his money, in fact). Some manual labor feels nice, and he enjoys getting his hands dirty, literally, if only to focus on something he feels he has control over. Cleaning is one thing.

Taking care of a drug-dealer's source is another.

But still, work he can do. Gokudera's out to find Wendy, and he's dressed the part of the mafioso he is. The teen's donned a suit and he's come with the intent to threaten with dynamite, or explain that Wendy might find herself with some bad luck. If anyone stops him on his way to find her, he'll be honest.

He's going to beat up some drug-dealer. That's all they need to know. Gonna take out some aggression. Want to supervise? Help him? Hold him back? Talk him out of it?

III. Don't Treep, Man

Gokudera can be found repairing fences, looking out for fairy nests in the farm land, and helping to clean up the orchards. He has no green magic, but it's moments like these that he wish he did. The boy's very eager to be close to real, live trees. Too many years trapped in worlds where everything was either a hologram, or irradiated has him grateful to sit on fertile soil while he takes a hammer to a fence. The sun might be beating down on him a little too hard, burning at his skin, and he may appreciate someone helping him out. The fairies in the area seem to be enjoying his company, though, and are a fun distraction.]

I don't suppose any of you have tips for staying cool?

[The faeries, of course, don't respond, but just keep on gathering blades of grass and taking them back to their nest. Gokudera offers one a nail, looks it over, and then gets up to go make a sort of laundry line by pushing two into the dirt by their nest, tying a string about them, and then leaving a few sweets.]

Don't let the ants get to them, now...

[Few people have seen how tender the boy is towards the fae, and despite what he's been through, he continues to offer gifts, smiles, and any help he can.]

IV. Animal Mage Hunt - Platina Faun

[It's been... an odd couple weeks, and now, for some reason, he's woken up without his normal lower half. Gokudera's not keen on leaving the house, but he has to attend classes, has to escort the Tenth to them. His current transformation is making going out in public especially difficult. He can't wear pants, because he can't fit them past his new set of legs, and his pet leopard keeps looking at him oddly, so he can't stay inside, either. Gokudera can be found napping by the training grounds, eager to spar with anyone who wants a new challenge, or he can be found moving about the forest, foraging for food and stones.

He's keeping to himself, but can also be found walking about the streets of New Camelot, just... trying to run errands as if his cloven footsteps weren't loudly announcing his new features. His bigger concern is whether or not he'll change back. If he does, hopefully it will be in the privacy of his own home, where being without pants is at least acceptable.

Oh well, at least the little stubby horns popping out through his silver hair are cute.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Kainé meets that aggravation with a fierce look of her own.

She sees him stand and start to slink off.]

Hey, where the hell are you-

[And he's already moving away. She gives one last glare at the mages assuming they're the ones doing this, (she doesn't trust magic) and follows after.]

Fuck this circle shit...

Kainé, I don't believe it's the spell that caused the boy's pain.

Sure as hell looked like it.

[Kainé argues with her familiar as she passes the alcove then backtracks upon spotting him. He still seems wracked with pain. She knows that feeling. In fact, he's in the same exact pose as she was whenever Tyrann tried to take control. Whatever's happening to him must hurt like a bitch.]

Hey, you ok?

[She approaches with a hand outstretched.]

Take heed, Kainé. You don't know what kind of magic this is.

Edited (Icon) 2021-08-13 15:12 (UTC)

[He looks up suddenly at hearing an unfamiliar voice, and it occurs to him that he is here, very vulnerable, where anyone could walk up on him! Gokudera jolts until he notices the offered hand, and would snarl in offense at the offer for... comfort? Whatever her intentions may be? Not like he can get up and move very well while he's still in so much pain. It's coming in waves now instead of being a numbing/seizing shock.

Honestly, it's like a full body cramp and he isn't sure how to answer her. It's probably obvious, but he shakes his head.

No. He isn't okay, and that's why he was trying to heal. Also, this isn't so much magic as malfunctioning tech from another world.]

[She isn't quite sure what she is doing either. Comfort? She doesn't know how to comfort people. Being alone your entire life you don't learn those skills. Is she testing the waters?

Kainé drops her hand and awkwardly grips her own arm. She doesn't know it's not magic. There is no technology in her world (as far as she knows.) So, she's still under the assumption that the sages did something.]

What the hell did they do to you? I am so gonna fuck their shit up if they're pulling this crap just to hurt people...

[Getting angry is really the only way she knows how to deal with things.]

[At least he isn't alone while in pain. As awkward as it is to be seen like this, it's not terribly unusual for him. The entire crowd watching the tournament a while back got to witness him forfeiting in a fight against Midoriya thanks to the sudden pain of his collar.

It's coming in waves, and thankfully ebbing away enough to grow more bearable. The aggravated tone of her voice makes him uneasy, but his quiet won't help.]

They didn't do anything to me.

[His voice sounds rough, young, and a bit throaty.]

It's from another world. I can't take it off.

[And he motions to the collar around his neck, which has stopped delivering pain to him and is just looking like an odd accessory choice.]

[Kainé calms and blinks when he motions to the collar.]

Can't get it off, huh? Want me to break it off?

[She doesn't know if she's strong enough, not being a Shade-possesed anymore, but she can try.]

[At least it seems she's not angry at him or going to go after anyone, now. Gokudera is just stuck being embarrassed and he scratches gently at the scarred skin beneath the collar. It's becoming a bit of a habit.]

It's not possible, but thanks for offering.

[He really doesn't feel like having his head taken off. Things are bad, but they aren't that bad.]

Sounds like a pretty shitty deal...

[Kainé moves to sit on the bench at his side.]

Does it... make you do shit you don't want to...?

[That is one of her biggest triggers. Not being in control of her own body. She's attacked her friends before. Never again does she want to go through that.]

It is.

[But it's not the worst. The effect it is having on his overall health is worse.]

No. It just causes pain or pleasure at random. It's malfunctioning...

[He is completely in control of himself. It's just that there is essentially a dog's training color digitally attached to his neck from a world where he was property. Not great.]

[Wow, that did sound shitty. She's be pissed if she had something like that! Wait...]

Pain and... pleasure?

[She didn't know what kind of pleasure, but from what she understood, that meant...

Her pale cheeks flushed slightly and she shook her head to get her mind off that train of thought.]

Why do you have it in the first place?

If you don't feel like talking about it, I get it.

[He stares at her and considers his answer. Gokudera can talk about it. He's done so enough that it feels calloused over.]

Because on one of the worlds before this, I was property. It kept me safe. But now it's malfunctioning...

[And it's not like he doesn't mind having this conversation, and as embarrassing as it would be, he'd rather the pleasure function work as often as the pain. That sensation could range from a sort of warm comfort, or a fluttery excitement, a relief of muscle tension as if he were getting a deep massage, or... sexual pleasure. Just, all sorts of pleasure just the same as the pain function could range from light stinging to unbearably black-out inducing shocks of agony]

[Her hands inadvertently curl into fists at the mention of him being 'property.' It reminds her too much of Emil and how he was considered a weapon; 'Number 7.']

And the assholes in charge here can't do shit about it?

[ooc: Kainé: "I've only had Gakudera for a day and a half, but if anyone hurt him I'd kill everyone in this room, and then myself."]

...

[He gives a sigh and puts his hands together gently, fingers laced before he's moving to pull out a cigarette with a grumbled apology. He offers her a smoke before lighting his own.]

The assholes in charge...? They're busy focusing on the King. I'm more a... medical, scientific anomaly. If you arrived in this world missing your arm, you don't just grow a new one because you get here. We were brought to this place to save our worlds... not be saved from our problems.

[In short, this is his burden to bear and he hasn't asked any NPCs for help.]

[She stares at the cigarette, unsure what it is but watches curiously as he lights it.

Save our worlds... yeah, save that shit-hole. The only reason she's going along with this crap is because she wants to find that thing she's missing. She's still pissed though.

Kids, adults, no one deserves to be 'property.' She stares at her left arm for a moment, 'If you arrived in this world missing your arm, you don't just grow a new one because you get here.' It was ironic that he said such a thing. Regardless, things don't always work the same in all worlds. It's not like he was a Shade-possessed or anything.]

Yeah... I guess not.

[She's silent for a while as she calms down and thinks back on what happened in the circle. Whatever that was supposed to do, it didn't do shit for her. What did he find out about her though?]

My name's Kainé. How 'bout you?

[Her familiar is surprisingly quiet throughout this whole exchange. Probably because there's not too much to scold her on.]

[Gokudera notices the curiosity with his offer, and when she doesn't accept or go to take one, he shrugs.

He's not saying he should be property, but if they go through any sort of system to be in this world, any scanners that mark them as transplants from other worlds, he probably has a whole lot of nonsense multiverse chips or marks. He's a mongrel, he has a criminal record, and is slightly radioactive? His information is literally printed into his retina.]

I mean, they probably have some kind of cure or whatever if you are brought into this world actively dying, and they bring in people who are dead in their home worlds, so... why should this collar be important to someone like King Arthur? I mean very little to anyone native to this world. I could be taken to another world and that won't really change anyone's fate here in Avalon.

[If he were thinking about how he felt in the circle, their pain and anger so similar, he just thought her need to heal was his own. A burden shared and made easier, but not gone, just halved.]

Gokudera.

[He takes a long drag from his cigarette and looks up and slightly away to exhale smoke, trying to be at least a little courteous.]

How long have you been in this world?

I don't give two shits about King Arthur. [Will she get executed for this? Saying that in the courtyard of the King's castle? This is the same woman who called the King of Fascade a 'dumbass' to his face. She's not scared.] If they want us to do shit for them, they sure as fuck should do something for us!

[Kainé doesn't say the usual 'nice to meet you,' garbage. Manners aren't her thing. At least he didn't call her 'Miss Kainé']

I dunno, 'bout a week? It's only marginally better than that shit-hole I call home.

[She still couldn't get the damn circle thing out of her head though. Was she projecting her own pain onto him? Was she just lonely so she wanted to find some common ground?]

Back in that circle... What the hell was up with that bullshit? Did I look like I was in pain to you? What the hell were they thinking throwing me in there like that?!

[A small pause.]

But... how was it supposed to work?

[Gokudera isn't smiling at her saying so, but he is definitely amused. He's not scared, just... has other things he's focusing on. Things will only involve him if he gets invested in them, but in his opinion... none of it really matters. He's in a dark place right now. Hard to put the best foot forward when everything feels wrong.]

Well, they are under the impression that we care about our home worlds. Some of us do, and I'm sure some of us don't.

[He gives a huff of a laugh at the way she speaks. It's fun. It's not careful or timid. It's bold. He likes her odd, thinks they can get along well enough for him to offer her any helpful words or advice if she should need it.]

I was a bit too wrapped up to pay attention, but.... whether you needed it or not, you being there... it did help. [He admits this in a timid sort of manner. Trying to recognize the support of a stranger when in order to ask for help, all he had to do was show up. He's not accusing her of being in any pain.]

Maybe they thought you were strong and could help take the weight off my shoulders. You know... of all the bullshit I'm going through.

[A shrug and then he scratches the scarred skin beneath his collar.]

Voice commands from my owner would issue pain or pleasure depending on what kind of behavior was appropriate or not. So, it's for training. My owner didn't ever use it for that purpose, but to mark me so no one could hurt me. It was a fucked up world.

[Her gaze widens with the admission. He's thanking her when all she did was cause a scene. Kainé shakes her head and concentrates on what else he has to say.]

Sounds like it.

[She responds in agreement about his world. Hers isn't much better. According to Devola and Popla humans were all Shades now. And people, whatever they were, weren't much better. Ostracizing anyone who was different. She still scared the shit out of the people of Yonah's village, and she wasn't even possessed anymore.

It was funny that he said that; thought she was strong. Everyone said that, but no one knew how lonely she actually was. Why she wakes up from these dreams every morning filled with pain and sadness. So she spews anger and violence to keep up her walls. Like Tyrann... that part hasn't changed... Except now she has a hole, something or someone she misses deep enough that she wakes up crying every morning.

That's not even getting into how much she loathes herself for being cursed with this goddamn mutant body. Why did she feel the need to come clean with him as well? Why couldn't she just go on having him think she's strong and walk away?]

I'm not strong. To be honest, my life's pretty shitty too.

[She leaned back and put her hands behind her head, crossing her legs.]

I live in a shack outside the ruins of my old village. 'Been living there, alone, since before it was destroyed. The kicked me out when I was a kid.

[She waved it off. ]

Place was a shit-hole anyway. Constantly being attacked by Shades. Bunch of assholes living there too.

[Kainé pursed her lips for a moment before she spoke again.]

When our hands touched. What did you feel?

[Gokudera may be a tsundere delinquent, but he's from a shounen jump series and is a Good Boy. He would thank her for helping him, even when she didn't mean to do so, because he's really been bent out of shape mentally. It was nice to just let it all sort of spill over, embarrassing as it was having her suddenly get so angry.

Not that he thinks what he's going through is fair. She wouldn't be the first person upset by his collar, and he's certain he'll have to explain it over and over until the end of his days.

He listens to Kainé, expression inaccessible, frowning as he mulls it over and paints an image of her description in his head. There's only one thing that makes the story hard to keep up with, but that's not her fault.]

Shades?

[He won't tell her his story, or anything about his world. The other places he's been to aside from Avalon were awful. This world is like a paradise.

Gokudera looks down at his hands.]

Pain, anger, I was reminded of how lonely I've been. More anger because of it. Just... what I was feeling, but amplified. The point of that healing is to share your burdens, without having to tell whoever you partner with... to alleviate the damage it is causing.

No one told me to do it, and no one suggested it. But...

I'm sick of feeling the way I have. I can't be strong until I get over this.

I guess you could call a Shade a monster, at least that's what we thought they were... I used to be possessed by one. Guy was a real asshole.

[Kainé pursed her lips for a moment before speaking.]

Some of that might have been mine. [She looks off in the opposite direction from him.] Being lonely fucking sucks. Especially when you don't know why.

[She takes a breath.]

I... keep having this dream. Someone else is with me but I can't remember who it is. I wake up filled with pain and sadness; my cheeks wet with tears. But I can't for the goddamn life of me remember who it is!

[Color Gokudera Hayato a monster-lover. He is very interested to hear more about these Shades.]

Possessed? How are they different from humans?

[More details, please.]

So in your dreams you are not alone, but you wake up and realize that you are? Maybe you need companionship…

[Someone to stay with her so she doesn’t feel alone… like a roommate or a pet!]

Yeah. I was dying. Pretty much made a deal with the Devil in exchange for my life. I got to live and have the power to get my revenge, while he got to inhabit half my body. At least that's how it was supposed to work. He fed off my anger and hatred of Shades; made me hurt my friends.

Three years ago, I was cured when I saved this girl, Yonah. I don't remember how it happened though. I found this flower on the floor. It's called a Lunar Tear, and it's rare. [She lovingly touched the flower in her hair.] Something about it filled me with pain. I cried. Again, I don't know why.

Too many fucking blanks.

[Kainés expression is hesitant for a moment before she replies to the question on how Shades are different from humans.]

They used to be human, at least that's what I was told three years ago. I've pretty much been killing them my entire life. I hate them. My Grandma was murdered by a Shade.

That's another part I can't fucking remember. I got my revenge and killed the bastard that took my Grandma. There was someone else there when I did... Someone who gave me a reason to live.

[She blinks at the suggestion, a small smirk gracing her lips.]

You volunteering?

[It was out before she realized she had said it. Normally she would have kept her mouth shut.]

Edited 2021-08-18 21:13 (UTC)

Do you regret it...? Making a deal with him, I mean.

[Gokudera is pretty certain that whenever his time comes, he will not fight it. It'd be great to go out in a blaze of glory, or to risk his life to save someone, but... he can't stomach revenge. He forgives easily, but does not forget. If anything, he'd do a better job carrying out someone else's orders

Then again, he doesn't have many friends he could hurt. Just his boss, and the people he's met in other worlds which... they're important, sure, but he doesn't see any of the relationships he's made with other off-worlders as being 'friends' since they aren't forever. Not even his fiance' is forever, and he'd been assured. Guess it was a lie. Ouch. Gokudera touches at his engagement ring while he listens.]

Because you were healed, and got that chance that not many others have? And you hurt people you cared about. It sounds like something worth crying about.

[Gokudera mulls over her mention again of drawing blanks. Maybe it had something to do with her possession, or coming to a new world? He looks up at her and catches that hesitant expression, then nods as he listens.

Until she asks if he's volunteering to be her companion, and grinning about it. He can't help how vivid his blush is, and how he touches at his collar, which goes a bit snug at the way he adjusts it. Oh... she probably wasn't thinking about what he's thinking. But he's stuck staring at her with wide eyes, mouth slightly ajar, and face a hot pink.]

I-I meant like a pet!!

[Not like... how he was a pet, but like... an animal!!!]

Regret it? A lot of bad shit happened because that asshole took my body. I suffered hell for being Shade possessed, barely living day to day; the only thing driving me was revenge. [She sits forward and looks at her hands, as if she could see the blood on them.] I killed so much.

[Her brow furrowed. It definitely wasn't from coming here. She had been having the dreams for the past 3 years in her home world before even being dragged here. She had been lonely and miserable for the past 3 years... and that was above and beyond what she had suffered the rest of her life for her body being different...]

But... if it's that person I'm crying over... the one I can't remember. Maybe it was worth it?

[Kainé really doesn't know. Was dealing with constant berating and bullying worth it, so that she get revenge and could meet someone? She never thought of it that way.

Her pale cheeks are also flushed at the fact that she said it as well. And at his reaction there's a moment of disappointment that he may or may not catch, before her expression evens out again. Not that she knew what to say now.]

Edited (punctuation) 2021-08-19 03:51 (UTC)

[Her disappointed expression catches him completely off-guard and he turns his gaze up and away, pouting some as he thinks of something else he could actually offer to help. Unfortunately, he can't offer her his space for her to room with him, and he just moved out of the inn.

It's not his responsibility to make anyone feel better!

But... she approached that circle, and even if she didn't stay and made matters slightly problematic, he feels he owes her for that kindness. Time to... help? Usually he makes everything more troublesome.]

You lived an awful life where you killed so many just so you could get revenge. But that's done now. So... what do you want to spend the life you have now doing?

Trying to remember what you've lost? That might just hurt more.

I say focus on what's happening to you in this world and what you have power over. Thinking about things you can't change will not help you feel better. You still seem strong.

It's just that... like everyone else, you have problems. You can still be strong, even when you feel like everything is falling apart.

[Not that he has room to talk or give any advice.]

[No, it's not his responsibility, and Kainé catches herself and quickly sobers. She looks back when he starts talking again.]

No. Finding what I've lost is the only reason I'm doing the shit they brought us here for. Otherwise I couldn't give two fucks. I'm tired of that world and everyone in it. But if I have to save it in order to find what I'm missing, then it can wait just a little while longer to rot.

[Really, her world has done nothing but treat her awfully. She has no reason to save it; except this.]

Oof

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cw: mention of a suicidal ideation meme.

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Nier Spoilers

I'm canon blind as hell, no worries

lol ok

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RIP Gokudera

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