isleofavalon | You gotta live better than you were though

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You gotta live better than you were though

🧙 WHO: Gokudera and YOU
⚔️️ WHAT: August catch-all! OTA
🕒 WHEN: August
🗺️ WHERE: New Camelot (predominantly)
⚠️ WARNINGS: Language, violence, drugs, mentions of past trauma: self-immolation, slavery

I. Healing Circle After Party

Despite most of his friends helping him, Gokudera has felt very alone since he learned of Yamamoto's absence. It's not the first time he's lost someone he's cared about. He's not being loud about his heartbreak and has seen on the network that others have lost some people important to them as well. But how often do you lose six different versions of your same friend/rival from home?

Gokudera feels a bit numb, and the strangulation he faced before is healed, but... still, there's pain. It feels like it never goes away, and on his own self-reflection, he realizes it's because he's focusing on it. He needs to use his head before his collar gets rid of it, and he can't problem-solve when it feels like his heart aches more now than it ever has before.

He collects yarrow and lemon balm, enjoying the smell and seeming almost to meditate while he gathers herbs. Once he's done, he's looking about for someone to sit with. There is no visible injury on the young man, and whatever he's going through, he doesn't want to talk about it. He'd rather just get on with the meditative healing.

Even burning the herbs seems somewhat traumatic, and so he closes his eyes and takes a steady breath, wondering why and how he suddenly became so wary of flames. The first thing he will share is fear and pain, a sinking feeling starting from the fingers and winding up the muscle of arms and causing a slight bit of panic. Sorry for sharing, but at least no one has to listen to him talk about why an explosives expert is scared of fire, right?

II. Crystal Mushroom

Gokudera gets on the quest board regularly (it's how he makes most of his money, in fact). Some manual labor feels nice, and he enjoys getting his hands dirty, literally, if only to focus on something he feels he has control over. Cleaning is one thing.

Taking care of a drug-dealer's source is another.

But still, work he can do. Gokudera's out to find Wendy, and he's dressed the part of the mafioso he is. The teen's donned a suit and he's come with the intent to threaten with dynamite, or explain that Wendy might find herself with some bad luck. If anyone stops him on his way to find her, he'll be honest.

He's going to beat up some drug-dealer. That's all they need to know. Gonna take out some aggression. Want to supervise? Help him? Hold him back? Talk him out of it?

III. Don't Treep, Man

Gokudera can be found repairing fences, looking out for fairy nests in the farm land, and helping to clean up the orchards. He has no green magic, but it's moments like these that he wish he did. The boy's very eager to be close to real, live trees. Too many years trapped in worlds where everything was either a hologram, or irradiated has him grateful to sit on fertile soil while he takes a hammer to a fence. The sun might be beating down on him a little too hard, burning at his skin, and he may appreciate someone helping him out. The fairies in the area seem to be enjoying his company, though, and are a fun distraction.]

I don't suppose any of you have tips for staying cool?

[The faeries, of course, don't respond, but just keep on gathering blades of grass and taking them back to their nest. Gokudera offers one a nail, looks it over, and then gets up to go make a sort of laundry line by pushing two into the dirt by their nest, tying a string about them, and then leaving a few sweets.]

Don't let the ants get to them, now...

[Few people have seen how tender the boy is towards the fae, and despite what he's been through, he continues to offer gifts, smiles, and any help he can.]

IV. Animal Mage Hunt - Platina Faun

[It's been... an odd couple weeks, and now, for some reason, he's woken up without his normal lower half. Gokudera's not keen on leaving the house, but he has to attend classes, has to escort the Tenth to them. His current transformation is making going out in public especially difficult. He can't wear pants, because he can't fit them past his new set of legs, and his pet leopard keeps looking at him oddly, so he can't stay inside, either. Gokudera can be found napping by the training grounds, eager to spar with anyone who wants a new challenge, or he can be found moving about the forest, foraging for food and stones.

He's keeping to himself, but can also be found walking about the streets of New Camelot, just... trying to run errands as if his cloven footsteps weren't loudly announcing his new features. His bigger concern is whether or not he'll change back. If he does, hopefully it will be in the privacy of his own home, where being without pants is at least acceptable.

Oh well, at least the little stubby horns popping out through his silver hair are cute.]

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[ That's probably the better way to go about it, just holding out a hand and moving on. No commentary means no acknowledgement or having to explain why he had bothered to gather all of the herbs. Now Bakugou isn't in that great of shape himself. Bandages and just some exhaustion himself.

He huffs. Scoffs... But then puts the herbs in Gokudera's hand. Then proceeds to just sit there and follow instructions.

Who knows. Might just be good for him too. ]

[The quiet definitely should help, since neither of them is particularly quiet, especially given the bickering that usually comes up. He accepts the herbs, then offers his other hand, the one that's slightly disfigured. Gokudera can't help with any of the healing unless there is contact. They're partners now, after all, and just sitting here staring at burning herbs won't actually do very much.

It's not like Gokudera wants to feel whatever this guy might be going through, but... if he can help, he may as well. He's got his own burdens to share, like... his fear of the fire he creates to start those herbs smoldering. Bakugou can go ahead and feel that fear first. Other than that it will just be a sort of emotional pain that permeates.]

[ The feeling is mutual, though Katsuki doesn't realize it. Though he's not sure that there's anything to fear when it comes to the fire in general.

Katsuki, on the other hand, has a lot more going on. Even though he looks rather calm on the outside - well, no. He looks as pissy as he generally does. Scowl on his face and fists clenched tight. But despite how that looks, the emotion expected to be felt is anger, right?

It's actually concern. Worry. And a healthy dose of urgency. Just to start. ]

[Gokudera doesn't look on his partner's face, assuming it will be as aggravated as he's seen it the last few times they've interacted.

But then he's feeling concern, worry, and that urgency makes him straighten up and look around. Those emotions for him are only typical when his boss is in danger.

Tenth?

He looks around, as if there is some trouble, but there very clearly isn't. So, he gives Katsuki an imploring, concerned look. As if asking him what's wrong. The focus on how the other boy feels takes the fear of fire right out of him. It probably would have seemed an odd and unwelcome emotion to share.

Gokudera shares his hurt, his feeling like he's forgetting something important to him.]

[ Wow. Now Bakugou can feel that the guy is also concerned. The look that he is being given all but confirms that. Guy is wanting to know what's going on, huh? Katsuki shoots him an exasperated glance back.

Focus on this first, asshole. So yeah, a bit of irritation. But whatever.

Besides. It's not as if Katsuki isn't starting to get more from the other guy. He hadn't anticipated to be sharing emotions and it's almost enough to make him get up and leave. However, that's probably not good for the ritual. Thus he'll stay.

Because not he's somewhat curious about how this guy could have some of the same emotions. And that other feeling of missing something important. ]

[Gokudera can feel the irritation, but he's only concerned because the other guy started it! He's just amplifying what he's feeling, spreading it between them so it won't be so burdensome.

He looks down, fringe helping to shadow his expression as he thinks over how he's feeling. He can't talk to him, since they have to be silent, and those things he's lost he's already starting to accept.

It's more than just losing a lover, for him. There are memories that have been wiped, literal pain from the damage and alterations made to his body. Things he can't say, but hints that are visible. There's a little shame rising up through the pain of acknowledging his feelings, a sense of self-hatred and loneliness.]

[ Not that he could say anything, but some of those emotions he's processed himself. Self-hatred and shame, sure. Maybe for similar reasons such as the acknowledgement of his own feelings. Of his short comings. Bakugou looking back on the brat that he had been and everything that he had done does make him ashamed and for a while he had hated himself.

However, what he can give Gokudera in return is not amplifying that. Rather, what Katsuki has been endeavoring to turn those emotions into. Determination. It all stems from that acknowledgement, slowing working through understanding what he needs to do to make it different. Then it's applying; Bakugou has made plans on how to improve so he has.

So he's trying to convey that feeling those things and knowing them aren't really a weakness. It should be used as motivation to move on. In whatever form that would, or could, take. ]

[He could say something, but then, this whole healing circle would probably not work, and he'd probably get bitched at/shooed away or something.

Gokudera can feel the determination radiating through Bakugou and he blinks in honest surprise, but that just summons a new sense of loss. It's not like he can't feel determined, but that without his dying will flames, he can't actively use his determination, his desperation the way he used to. Focusing on getting home used to be his main drive. To make a home out of his boss' recognition, which he's never actually received.

Is he just some disappointment?

He feels he is, but acknowledges that he won't get better if he doesn't try his best. Gokudera always does. Tries so hard and runs himself too thin without being kind to himself. Always harder and not always smarter.

But if there's anything the worlds he's been on has taught him... it's that he can't make anyone feel any way he wants, can't expect anything out of them. It's not up to him. He has to deal with himself, first.

Too much time being alone, trying to be alone, has really created some neglect on how he's developed as a person. It's his own fault. He won't expect anyone to fix him. Gokudera knows he has some work to do. It's just... hard to hear that from other people.

Even the one in front of him who isn't actually telling him anything.

He's a hypocrite, too. So that's fun. Wanting to be a lone wolf and upset at how alone he is. It's just a big mess of frustration. The way his partner in this healing circle is trying to push motivation on him feels a lot like someone telling him to get better when he's sick, or... walking up to him and telling him to not be so sad when he's depressed. If only it were so easy!]

[ People are different in general. Maybe it does feel like Bakugou is pushing that motivation and thinking that it's just that easy. However, it's not. The blonde definitely knows that it isn't easy to just get over your faults and feelings and move on. Do better. It's actually pretty fucking hard but the hardest step is just admitting it to yourself and acknowledging that. Allowing yourself the knowledge the weaknesses and the reasons behind them.

But the trick is not to wallow in them. Honestly Bakugou had for a while and that's why he's treated people the way that he has. And while he's still rough and gruff and still uses aggression as an outlet for every emotion he has, it's not because he's trying to make himself feel better any longer. It's not taking all of his negative feelings about life and himself out on others.

However, it is possible. It is possible to turn thing around even if the progression isn't as fast as what one would like. That's the real thing that Bakugou is trying to get across. Only that really can't be done with emotions insomuch that sort of intent needs to be relayed in words.

Good luck getting him to admit that though ]

[Good thing he's no longer stuck inside his attic apartment wallowing, but instead trying to get out more, meditate, put some of his negative emotions into improving himself. He's either ignoring his problems, or trying to find a way to dismiss his feelings.

This healing circle is him moving into accepting that he has them.

Plus, he isn't prone to wallowing. But it's not so easy when those people who used to support him are gone. He'll find new people, but there is that sense that they'll leave.

There are plenty that haven't. Gokudera could do with being a little more appreciative of anyone who gives him their time.

Not that he's going to thank Bakugou for sitting in front of him with some burning herbs. The company is good and all, but he's not sure how much this is helping. Even when it actually is.

To know he isn't the only person who is or has been in such a funk makes him feel like he isn't going to be crushed by it. Gokudera's feelings aren't flowing out as strong as they were a moment ago. Clearly, he's trying to move past them, air them out and let them go.]

[ Which maybe that's entirely what this circle is meant to do. It forces people to deal with their emotions by showing them that other people have them too. That it's okay and normal for people to have them.

In the end, Bakugou doesn't really expect any sort of thanks. It's not like he's really going to offer any in return, right?

But the little fire is going to go out and with the the ability to connect to one another. Katsuki doesn't know if he feels lighter or not. Doesn't know if he feels more at ease or not. Being forced to sit there and stew about a couple of things that he's already resolved to take care of... Is that really the best way to handle his time while he's here? ]

Augh. Now that that's over...

[He knows he has them.

Isn't sure he wants to feel anyone elses.

Oh well.

Gokudera looks on as the burning stops and blinks in surprise and then stares on at Bakugou with some concerned expectation.]

Now what?

[ Bakugou stands, huffing. Soon he's going to want to get all this herb smoke off of his clothing. No sense in smelling like some kind herb store. ]

Get the fuck out. Unless you wanna stand here and talk about those feelings.

[ Which their hosts seem to want them to do. Or, rather, this should have encouraged them to do> ]

[Considering Gokudera usually smells like cigarettes, an herb store would be a nice change of pace. He's not so noseblind to it, and he doesn't like smelling like his habit.]

Fuck that-

[He says with a shift to stand up and leave.]

Thanks for the support, though.

[Easier to not talk about their feelings.]

[ Good thing for that indeed. Bakugou hates the smell of cigarettes. Thinks it is a gross, nasty habit and can't understand why people would readily engage in it. ]

Hah?

[ Thank you for the support? Wow. Don't... Call him out because now he has to - ]

Tch. I just can't stand people that wanna deny their shit. That's all.

[For Gokudera, it's a part of his weapons. In Avalon especially, he has no dying will flames, so it's back to the task of lighting explosives with his cigarettes. It's handy, even if the habit is unhealthy and disgusting. He's not ever going to talk any good about cigarettes, that's for sure.]

It stinks, whether you deny it or not. Best to just get it over with.

and it helps to know I'm not the only one with crap like this to bear.

You honestly thought you were?

[ The only one to deal with that sort of shit. This is what he means. That thought makes him frown a little. ]

There are a shit ton of people here from just as many worlds. Of fucking course people are going to have their own crippling anxieties and bullshit like that.

Of course not.

[That would be incredibly stupid and self-centered of him to think that way.]

And just as many dreams, too.

[Ambitions and hopes. He knows he's not alone in dealing with this. He's pointing out the obvious comfort. It's not some competition or anything. Everyone not currently in their home is obviously out of place and feels some way about it.]

[ He's not making it a competition. Just a reminder that, despite what one might feel? They're never actually alone. Someone, somewhere, is experiencing things that are very similar to your own. Not exactly, but close. ]

Yeah well. All those hopes and dreams are on the backburner for right now. Gotta deal with all this shit before we can start moving on and getting back to it.

[ Bakugou scoffs, hands in his pockets. ]

I have things I need to do. Shit I need to say. And I'm done shying away from it.

[He didn't think Bakugou was trying to make a competition. He understands he isn't truly alone, but it's one thing to think it, and another to feel it. Sometimes, his feelings are irrational. But... acknowledging that also helps.]

What if moving on is the hope?

[He feels that's a good personal goal for himself. To move on and get back to being the best right-hand he can be!]

Good for you?

[Gokudera doesn't sound so invested. It sounds... personal? It's none of his business. He feels he's invaded enough.]

[ The brain is fucking stupid. It provides people with unnecessary thoughts that get in the way of just doing things. Bakugou knows that much at least.

But all of this stuff is personal too, but for Katsuki? It also very much isn't. Private life doesn't really get to stay much in the way of private. Everything one has done will eventually come to light. So while he had wanted to keep it contained a little longer - unknown to other people until the right moment, it's not really something that matters anymore. What Katsuki has in mind to resolve his situation back home is going to be pretty public and outting himself anyway. ]

I'm using it as an example, mop head. That's how Imma move on. Don't hope for anything. Twist those shitty feelings and own them. Use them.

[The brain is stupid.

Gokudera is trying not to focus too much on his problems, because there is really nothing that can be done about them.]

I'd rather just forget them. Whatever is going to happen, I'll deal with it.

[He's not in the mood for a lecture or motivation. Gokudera is interested in being with the people he cares about, because he knows they could leave him any moment.]

Oh yeah? And look how far your wanting to forget them has gotten you.

[ Bakugou takes that as a sign of weakness, really. Wanting to forget... No way. It's better to not forget. Those that do tend to repeat their mistakes.

Katsuki isn't going to be someone that does that. He'll hold onto those feelings and use them as motivation. As reminders. ]

Tch. Whatever. You do you.

Yeah... I feel better.

[Gokudera raises an eyebrow at those words. They feel like a challenge. Avoidance brought him problems, and denial didn't help. Accepting and moving on are going to be the most beneficial. What upsets him is nothing he has control over.

So it's useless to spend energy on something he can not change. Whatever Bakugou is trying to encourage, he can't agree.

But it's not like he's trying to find a friend in dealing with his problems. They are his, and he can't find motivation in loss.]

Sounds like you have something you need to do.

[ Wouldn't really be the first thing they're at odds with. They don't see eye to eye on a lot of things.

Though he's not trying to find a friend either. Maybe try to ensure people to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Because who knows... Maybe if people would just work to understand each other, there'd bee less of this bullshit going on in the world. Worlds?

Whatever. Deku and all of his classmates really have rubbed off on him too much. ]

Yeah. And Imma do it.

[ Just not now. When the timing is right. When Deku will remember it. Whatever the case, Bakugou is taking off now. ]

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You gotta live better than you were though

sup

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