isleofavalon | September Catchall

[Claude realises he'd grabbed onto Lorenz's shirt to try and stop keeling over entirely... to little avail. He laughs and loosens his grip where they'd toppled over, colouring a little in embarrassment.]

Speak for yourself! I bet I'd be much less clumsy on the ground.

[Or you could just admit you suck at ballroom dancing, Claude.]

[Lorenz manages to contain his laughter long enough to raise a brow, giving Claude a disbelieving look. Then succumbs to his amusement again, too busy trying not to dissolve into the embarrassing sort of giggles that tend to come with too much wine. It doesn't occur to him to let go of Claude, not least of all because the amount of effort he had initially put into staying near the ground is now what it takes for him to stay aloft. ]

Shall we test that?

[However the magic worked it was clearly beginning to fade and he would be all too happy let Claude fumble over himself on the ground as well. ]

[Seeing Lorenz a giggling mess like this makes him inclined to just want to carry on messing up on purpose, but he'll relent for now.] Fine, fine. Better get to the ground before you drop right out of the sky on top of me!

[Claude says it with a cheeky grin, evidently angling for a reaction from putting the mental image into his head. Still, he does guide him back to land back on solid ground.]

Honestly, you have a nice laugh, Lorenz. [When it's not that haughty laugh, but a genuine one.]

I'm not going to-

[Lorenz pushes at his shoulder, playful but carefully keeping a hand on the other man just in case he needs Claude to steady him for the last bit of the descent. As his toes touch the ground and he takes his weight back he finds himself reluctant to completely draw his hands away from his friend, one hand beginning to slide down his arm but hesitating near his elbow instead of drifting away entirely.

A touch of color on his face for that initial hesitance and then Claude speaks again and the blush deepens.]

You... think so? I've had so few opportunities to truly allow for such unrestrained amusement I suppose I never really thought much of it.

Well, now's your chance to really cut loose. What do you say?

[The hand on his elbow hasn't escaped his notice, and he steps closer to Lorenz, eyes bright. Another deliberate provocation, perhaps; though whether Lorenz takes the bait this time or doesn't is another matter.]

[Of course Claude would encourage him to be reckless. To "cut loose" as it were. But there's something different about it, not teasing exactly or at least not in the same way. Something charged in the way he says it, expectant almost and that alone is enough to make his heart skip a beat. His fingers curl around Claude's arm instead of merely resting against him and he matches that step drawn into the other in a way that is at once terrifying and exhilarating.]

Khalid... [An uncertain, breathless murmur, not entirely sure what he's meant to be answering exactly. It feels as though the question is so much deeper than merely a comment on his laugh. So instead he hovers, caught between those two emotions and utterly unprepared to commit to either.]

I.... might need your help. Figuring out how, I mean.

[To cut loose? To enjoy himself at all? To figure out what this tension between them is?

Even he's not sure what he means anymore.]

[Claude's just studying him patiently, that amused smile still toying at his mouth.] Well, here's a little tip for starters.

[That's about all the warning he gets before Claude tugs on the front of Lorenz's shirt, closing whatever shred of distance was left between them to kiss him. It lingers what could seem both like a long time and yet no time at all, before he's pulling back again with a smile.]

... If you're going to kiss someone, make it a little more like that, and less like a punch to the mouth.

[And all of the sudden his heart is in his throat.

He won't admit it, if Claude calls him on it but there's a soft, strangled, startled sort of sound in his throat and he barely has time to wrap his head around the fact that Claude is kissing him before he's starting to pull away. The hand on Claude's arm moves up hovering briefly as Lorenz leans in, then settling tentatively against his jaw, trying to coax him to stay. Just for a moment, just to make sure this is real and not some bubble induced delusion.

It's only a span of heartbeats before he lets Claude draw back as he'd intended and he's far too busy staring at him dumbstruck to even process the words at first.

When his mind catches up with what's going on he-

Well he bursts out laughing, startling even himself. Giddy and overwhelmed and it seems so surreal he is genuinely at a complete loss for what to do or say. In the end he just pulls Claude closer, hugging him tightly, that hand still hovering beside his face even as Lorenz presses his own scarlet face into Claude's shoulder.]

I was so scared you would think ill of me. I didn't-

[Didn't expect any kind of reciprocation, didn't know what to do then, doesn't know what to do now.]

[Claude had expected another freakout from Lorenz, maybe more yelling and storming off, so to get this reaction is a pleasant surprise. He returns the hug with a warm smile, wrapping his arms around him as if to soothe him.]

There's nothing to be scared of, Lorenz. [His voice is a low murmur as he drops the teasing tone of before, squeezing him gently.] You accepted me for who I really am. You shouldn't be afraid to be yourself, too.

[It would be so easy to teeter over that line from overwhelmed to freaking out all over again. Even with Claude squeezing him there's a slight tremor in his hands.]

You know full well it's... it's not that easy.

[Setting aside the fear of being ostracized for something like that, something that goes against what society says is "right". ]

But I want to try.

Good. You'll get there.

[He says that with complete confidence. It helps that here, Avalon is so different to Fódlan, that even someone as set in his ways as Lorenz can relax a little.]

Honestly, the only person who can stop you from being happy here is yourself. We may have another long struggle on our hands, but it doesn't have to be a miserable, lonely one. [He draws back to regard Lorenz, moving to rest a hand on the taller man's shoulder.] Don't you think?

[Well at least one of them is confident. But he is trying, has been since the first time someone tried to tell him that he needs to relax. Which has, perhaps, involved just as much of him trying to figure out what is him and what is years of conditioning.

Claude draws back and for a fleeting moment Lorenz looks like he might panic, arm crossing over his chest to cover the other's hand on his shoulder. His other hand still hovers along his jawline and after a moment Lorenz allows himself one small moment of daring. The pad of his thumb slides along Claude's jawline, curiously feeling at the gradual shift to the hair of his beard but he nods in response to those words.]

Does.... that mean you won't force yourself to be alone, either?

[Claude goes still at the touch of Lorenz's hands, though that expression of his is as inscrutable as ever, his mind ticking over what to say and how to say it.] About that. I've been thinking lately... [Then he lowers his gaze slightly, the slightest waver of his expression that in ordinary circumstances, Claude would never allow. Always with the smiles, the confidence, no matter how false they are. Not this time.]

...I've been thinking... that I've given a lot of advice, but I've been terrible at taking my own. [Then, almost imperceptibly, he leans against the touch at his jaw, and smiles weakly up at Lorenz.] You think there's any takers for a hypocrite like that?

[It's so uncharacteristically genuine that he can't help but be touched. Still, at the same time.... it's Claude being just as foolish as usual. Lorenz' next breath comes out as a stifled little scoff, eyes rolling as he lets his hand slip down to rest on Claude's shoulder, fingers curled lightly at the nape of his neck.]

You say that as though it's something new.

[But he can't help the way what might usually have been a smug smirk turns up into a more genuine, pleased sort of smile.]

I'm sure you can find one or two willing to stay beside you. Even when you are being a hypocrite.

[A short laugh in return.] One or two? That's awfully generous. I may have one in mind already...

[He reaches up to brush violet strands of hair from Lorenz's eyes, and his own gaze is bright as he leans in to kiss him once more. Not a quick, teasing thing, this time, but something genuine, something he wants both of them to savour. One hand tangles in his hair, the free hand settles at the small of Lorenz's back, holding their bodies flush; he just hopes it isn't too obvious how much his heart is racing.

Not that he has anywhere to hide any more. Not when he's offering everything like this.]

[In some way it's still so surreal he has trouble believing this is actually happening. Gasping softly at the words, the tender touch, reeling with the impossibility of it. But Claude kisses him and Lorenz melts into him, leaning against him in a way that is a bit dangerous given how much taller he is. Long fingers slide up into dark curls and he answers the guiding hand on his back eagerly enough. Pressed against each other like that it's surprisingly hard to tell just how much Claude's heart might be racing over the rush of his own pulse in his ears.

He's distantly aware of a quiet little sound in his throat, encouraging without really having any idea what to do other than savor the warmth of the man against him, the softness of his lips. As much as the thought of kissing anyone had sent fear and anxiety dragging him down a dark spiral before, the actual act leaves him surprisingly, delightfully thoughtless.

And breathless.

A realization that makes him draw back slightly to suck in a shaky breath, eyes still closed, head tipping forward to rest his forehead against Claude's.]

Khalid... you- [He wets his lips lightly, tries to figure out how to ask what he wants to. Or if he even should. Claude had said- but he still struggled to wrap his head around it.]

are you sure...?

[It's a little unexpected, the way Lorenz just melts into him like that, but Claude's more than capable of propping them both up, even if they're no longer weightless like before. And the sound is reassuring -- that he's doing something right, that he didn't overstep and send Lorenz into a panic.

Claude opens his eyes briefly to regard Lorenz as he draws back, only to close them again as their foreheads press together, holding Lorenz to keep him steady. To reassure him he's not going anywhere.]

I'm sure. [He still feels strangely vulnerable, and he's glad Lorenz isn't looking at him like this, but he's done letting that fear that hold him back all the same.] What about you? Is this... okay?

[Lorenz shakes his head slightly, just a little roll to one side then the other and Claude can likely feel the way his brow furrows.]

I don't... know?

[His next breath comes out shaky and strained and his hands both come up to settle against Claude's chest, grounding, somehow. But isn't that part of the problem? Leaning on Claude like this, literally and figuratively. The fact that he wants to turn that question back around on Claude. Is it okay? Can it be when he is still floundering to figure out so much about himself?]

This doesn't feel real- [A sharp little laugh, caught somewhere just shy of falling into hysterics again. He finally pulls back enough to blink down at Claude, one hand covering his face to stop that strained laugh from getting out of control.]

Well... Let's just dial it down a notch for now, shall we? [No more kissing, in other words, so Lorenz can actually collect his thoughts. Claude rests a hand on his forearm and offers him an easy smile.]

It's definitely real. I may have acted a little-- impulsively, but it felt like the right thing to do.

[And if that was wrong, he's in no doubt Lorenz will tell him sooner rather than later, just as he's ever quick to point out Claude's various other flaws and misdemeanours.]

Impulsive? You?

[Another laugh, though this time not quite so close to spiraling into a freak out. He really is doing his best to keep himself together, even if it feels like he's failing miserably. He takes the space Claude offers him, takes a moment to try to remember how to breathe.]

I'm glad you did... I'd- Goddess, I don't know if I'd ever have been able to-

[Admit how much Claude means to him even though it's so glaringly obvious to everyone around them.]

It's okay. Really. [He tilts his head a little with a smile, regarding him.] I meant what I said, though. I have been thinking a lot lately, and I realise I just haven't been honest.

[With himself, or with anyone else. It did feel like a betrayal of his own values, given everything he's talked about.]

And... [He pauses, looks away then back up at Lorenz.] I really do want you to be happy. You mean so much to me, Lorenz. Whatever you feel... Whoever you want to be... You deserve a future where you can smile and laugh every day. Just like today.

[What that future looks like, of course, is Lorenz's decision. Claude won't push him into anything. But he does, at least, want to make that much clear.]

I.... I do?

[It comes out without his permission, a whisper of a question that immediately makes him frown and wish he could take it back. His gaze flits away, staring down at the space between them, his hand still curled against his chest. He hates how fragile that question makes him feel but it's one he doesn't take back either because... well because he couldn't help doubting, not when Claude would leave without so much as a goodbye.]

You... You know you mean the world to me, right? [Because if Claude is being honest then it's only fair that Lorenz do the same, even if a lot of it is things he's been lying to himself about for years.]

I mean... I've probably- [He finally meets Claude's gaze again, brief and scared with glossy violet eyes and something wet in the deep breath he takes before he continues speaking, barely more than a whisper.] been in love with you since we were teenagers. Even if I wouldn't let myself recognize it.

I don't know how to just... be happy. But I know I was miserable without you. [It's going to take some time for him to figure out who and what he wants to be, beyond just "not like father". It will also take time for him to figure out what makes him happy just for it's own sake and without any deeper political implications. They're things he does want to figure out though, things that he wants to figure out with Claude beside him, even. But stopping himself from stepping back to look to Claude for guidance in such things isn't any better than defining himself by his father's rules.]

Since all the way back then? Sure, you were obsessed with me, but... [Well, he figured Lorenz was just following his father's orders to keep tabs, but otherwise he couldn't stand him. It was only when the war kicked off and Lorenz defied his father to return to Garreg Mach that Claude wondered if things were a little more complicated.]

I... didn't realise. And I wouldn't have left so abruptly if I knew you'd have been miserable. I just didn't want you to learn the truth, only for you to hate me.

[He knows better now of course, but back then, how Lorenz would take the news was a dangerous gamble he didn't care to take. Not when Fódlan needed unity above all else.]

But enough about me. Anything you do from here is your call, all right? Just take some time to think about that.

[Lorenz' face flushes darkly and he shoots Claude a withering glare at first. He was not obsessed. Don't make it sound so creepy.

But they've talked about how he left, why, what dangers there were. Lorenz understands it, really he does. But that doesn't make the hurt simply go away. It does, at least, make it easier to recognize some of his own thoughts and feelings, though.]

I will. [A weak, watery laugh.] I doubt I'll be thinking of anything else for... a long while.

All right. [Claude relinquishes his hold on Lorenz before the man really does burst into tears, and goes for a lighthearted distraction instead.]

Just try to think about a few other things. Like the job we were paid to come here to do, for example.

[They kind of wasted all their bubbles on dancing... Worth it, but still.]

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