Lorenz Hellman Gloucester (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
silky_bearing) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
isleofavalon2021-09-02 06:39 pm
silky_bearing) wrote in isleofavalon2021-09-02 06:39 pm
silky_bearing) wrote in isleofavalon2021-09-02 06:39 pm
no subject
I don't... know?
[His next breath comes out shaky and strained and his hands both come up to settle against Claude's chest, grounding, somehow. But isn't that part of the problem? Leaning on Claude like this, literally and figuratively. The fact that he wants to turn that question back around on Claude. Is it okay? Can it be when he is still floundering to figure out so much about himself?]
This doesn't feel real- [A sharp little laugh, caught somewhere just shy of falling into hysterics again. He finally pulls back enough to blink down at Claude, one hand covering his face to stop that strained laugh from getting out of control.]
no subject
It's definitely real. I may have acted a little-- impulsively, but it felt like the right thing to do.
[And if that was wrong, he's in no doubt Lorenz will tell him sooner rather than later, just as he's ever quick to point out Claude's various other flaws and misdemeanours.]
no subject
[Another laugh, though this time not quite so close to spiraling into a freak out. He really is doing his best to keep himself together, even if it feels like he's failing miserably. He takes the space Claude offers him, takes a moment to try to remember how to breathe.]
I'm glad you did... I'd- Goddess, I don't know if I'd ever have been able to-
[Admit how much Claude means to him even though it's so glaringly obvious to everyone around them.]
no subject
[With himself, or with anyone else. It did feel like a betrayal of his own values, given everything he's talked about.]
And... [He pauses, looks away then back up at Lorenz.] I really do want you to be happy. You mean so much to me, Lorenz. Whatever you feel... Whoever you want to be... You deserve a future where you can smile and laugh every day. Just like today.
[What that future looks like, of course, is Lorenz's decision. Claude won't push him into anything. But he does, at least, want to make that much clear.]
no subject
[It comes out without his permission, a whisper of a question that immediately makes him frown and wish he could take it back. His gaze flits away, staring down at the space between them, his hand still curled against his chest. He hates how fragile that question makes him feel but it's one he doesn't take back either because... well because he couldn't help doubting, not when Claude would leave without so much as a goodbye.]
You... You know you mean the world to me, right? [Because if Claude is being honest then it's only fair that Lorenz do the same, even if a lot of it is things he's been lying to himself about for years.]
I mean... I've probably- [He finally meets Claude's gaze again, brief and scared with glossy violet eyes and something wet in the deep breath he takes before he continues speaking, barely more than a whisper.] been in love with you since we were teenagers. Even if I wouldn't let myself recognize it.
I don't know how to just... be happy. But I know I was miserable without you. [It's going to take some time for him to figure out who and what he wants to be, beyond just "not like father". It will also take time for him to figure out what makes him happy just for it's own sake and without any deeper political implications. They're things he does want to figure out though, things that he wants to figure out with Claude beside him, even. But stopping himself from stepping back to look to Claude for guidance in such things isn't any better than defining himself by his father's rules.]
no subject
I... didn't realise. And I wouldn't have left so abruptly if I knew you'd have been miserable. I just didn't want you to learn the truth, only for you to hate me.
[He knows better now of course, but back then, how Lorenz would take the news was a dangerous gamble he didn't care to take. Not when Fódlan needed unity above all else.]
But enough about me. Anything you do from here is your call, all right? Just take some time to think about that.
no subject
But they've talked about how he left, why, what dangers there were. Lorenz understands it, really he does. But that doesn't make the hurt simply go away. It does, at least, make it easier to recognize some of his own thoughts and feelings, though.]
I will. [A weak, watery laugh.] I doubt I'll be thinking of anything else for... a long while.
no subject
Just try to think about a few other things. Like the job we were paid to come here to do, for example.
[They kind of wasted all their bubbles on dancing... Worth it, but still.]
no subject
He goes very still, looking around the first time to determine whether anyone is looking at them. The second time seemingly to verify for himself that this is real. His face had been flushed before but now it deepens to a dark, splotchy, ugly shade. ]
The job. Yes, of course. [No one around them seems to care and "around" is perhaps a stretch. The cavern is quite large after all. ]
Merely... Getting accustomed to the mechanics of flight. [ A sharp look that is a clear threat. No, he's not convincing but if someone were to confront them best to have some sort of rationale at hand. ]
Now if only you would stop distracting me. [It would almost be believable if not for the stubborn hint of a smile and the fondness in his gaze. ]
no subject
[He winks and sidles off to go get more bubbly goodness. Maybe a different flavour this time? Regardless, he'll let Lorenz try to keep up his pitiful act of convincing others nothing happened here -- it should be funny to watch unfold.
And, okay, maybe Claude has a few things of his own to think about. Just maybe.]