I'm never as tired

[leitstern]

🧙 WHO: Hendrik and Jasper
⚔️️ WHAT: Waking moments
🕒 WHEN: Post-event
🗺️ WHERE: Camelot
⚠️ WARNINGS: Nothing yet

[Jasper opens his eyes and nervously worries his lips about the flower on the bedside table. A spray of clemantis, with dark green leaves and a single star-shaped flower. He had not possessed it before awakening from that nightmare. Dressed in night clothes multiple sizes large, laid beneath a duvet in bed. Looking past the twig to the window reminding him, in fact, of not awakening at home at all. Beside him a thin candle offers light and comfort.

Breathe. He inhales through his mouth, filling his lungs for the first time in days. The last thing he remembers is awakening in that pond. The last thing he wants to remember is how he arrived here. Borne in Hendrik's arms or drowsing against his shoulder? Thoughts crawl in his attempt to relive the moment. His chest heaves and begins to sink and swell. It feels wrong and he cannot understand why.

He lies in silent for several minutes until exhaling angrily. The candle flickers and illumiates, air fuelling the flame. Feet slip outside the sheets and alight on a cold floor. Never before has he so badly lost his sense of balance and he teeters forward - stepping on a sleeping platypunk's tail. With its quack ringing his ears he groans and grumbles, hands rubbing against his forehead. Stomach bubbling as the accursed creature disappears in a flash to its master. One hand rubbing his eye moves to support his back, urging him to return to bed. To the stairs. To the door.

Fatigue dries his eyes as begins pacing back and forth, trapped between his desire to flee and a need to stay, stopping only when his path carries him past the window. It is startingly late, the sunset visible over rooftops and across the backstreets. He looks down at the yard and sees Hendrik working in his garden.

There is a flicker of emotion in his heart. Pride? He cannot know for certain.]

Comments

[leitstern]

[Over the next minute, Jasper finds his patience sorely tested by stillness and peace. He scarcely manages to sit still, bouncing a restless leg before throwing off the covers to stretch over the bed. Fingers itch to wrap around and wring his old friend's neck - but as he hears himself breathe he is hauling back the sheets.

What he wants cannot be measured. What he needs cannot be spoken. It is a struggle to identify both, yet it is simple to picture. All this freedom to respond? It must be a trick.]

No, you are being pedantic and agreeing on whatever makes life easiest for you.

[standvastig]

[He doesn't expect an answer, so it is surprising when he in fact gets one. What can he say in return? Even more surprising than the initial answer is the fact that he can quickly think of something to say -- and that the response itself may send the conversation in an unexpected direction.]

Perhaps. But you would not know what makes life easiest for me, would you?

[A challenge. It still bears the acknowledgment and agreement of some previous attempts at conversation, but without the irritation of his tested temper.]

[leitstern]

[Jasper lies back and ignores Hendrik a moment. Their detached coldness cracks and thaws, only to be replaced by an unbearable friction that hides any promising signs. A challenge that threatens to knock him on his behind and laugh at his misfortune. It is a prospect that makes him balk and he shifts with the agitation of a man confronting a fear.

In comparison to his old friend's swiftness of thought, his reply comes slow. Tempered by caution and mistrust built over years.]

Not anymore.

[It is an entirely deliberate isolation of himself from Hendrik's life and circumstances.]

[standvastig]

[There is a part of him that does not want to believe that there is such distance between them that Jasper does not in fact know how little he has changed over the years. There is also a part of him that wants to cling to the idea that he has not changed, even as logic would dictate how unlikely that would be over the course of decades.

Both parts exist in defiance of the fact that his former friend has destroyed any chance for himself to return to a normal life in their world, having supported the rise of a monster whose armies killed many in the months after the fall of Yggdrasil. Any hurt he personally feels should be outweighed by the crimes he has committed.]

What do you want, Jasper?

[leitstern]

That is precisely what I want to know.

[The statement passes by as he turns over his hands, imagining claws and leathered skin in place of human features. Would Hendrik be questioning him on this matter were he aware of the truth? Would he be standing on the other side of that door?

There is a part of him that despises his friend for being slow in understanding.]

I hate being surrounded by people so weak and stupid in manner.

[If anything, he is finding it hard to settle in a city much like Heliodor. Packed with enough humans that he find himself longing for the country.]

[standvastig]

[That Jasper responds the way he does is ... disappointing, as Hendrik had been hoping for something that he could act on. Instead, he's left to ponder how to interpret Jasper's words.

His voice is significantly less irritated when he finally speaks, for once not focusing on the insults in the comment.]

You did not always think that way.

[leitstern]

[Hendrik responds and Jasper finds himself on an uncertain road. One littered not with anger and agitation but consideration and curiosity. Both desires prompt him to massage; soothingly rubbing cheeks and eyes. What should he make of Hendrik's interest? The anger and despair of the last decade tells him it comes too late.

A fact that preserves the bitter sournesss in his tone.]

Did we not all think differently as children?

[People grow up. They chase their dream and forget who their friends are.]

[standvastig]

[If he does not focus on Jasper's tone, Hendrik finds it easier to think on the actual question posed. While he's still of the mind that Jasper is trying to attack him in any way possible with his words, he tries to keep in mind that he doesn't have to respond in kind.

It's difficult.]

Certainly. Opinions change in thirty years. You are not bound by what you thought back then.

[It takes him a moment to find the resolve to continue beyond those words.]

That does not mean everything is different.

[leitstern]

[Jasper curls his fingers into cold, soft sheets and scowls. He sits straight and rigid to the point he feels it in his bones. Hendrik stands outside the door, forcing the issue to a point he cannot think around it - or about it - without shaking with anger.

Because there is a lone thought telling him this anger is pointless. It conflict with his beliefs and tells him friendship endures beyond such petty differences. For the most part, he still sounds angry.]

Oh, so that is why you suffer me here? To play pretend?

[Is Hendrik clinging to some stupid echo of the past?]

[standvastig]

[Why is he "suffering" Jasper's presence in his place? Perhaps his initial reasoning for bringing Jasper into his house would make sense, but tolerating the often frustrating days for over two weeks cannot be so easily explained

Why is he going this far?]

If that is what you wish to call it. I see nothing "pretend" about you taking over my room and not leaving of your own volition.

[leitstern]

You cannot see your role in this? Hendrik, you brought me here of your own voalition. Take responsibility for the consequences of your actions.

[The vase on the bedside table draws his eye. His hand reaches for it but relents at the last second. He curls his fingers and balls them into a fist.

Why is he bothering to explain? Why?]

Good grief, I cannot see why I make an effort! You see nothing about everything.

[standvastig]

I am not holding you hostage here, Jasper. Far from it. You are free to leave whenever you wish.

[He really doesn't understand what's so difficult to figure out about his position here.]

If "taking responsibility" somehow implies that bringing you here equates to providing for you for the foreseeable future, I cannot say I agree.

[leitstern]

[Jasper seizes the vase and hurls it at the door. The porcelain shatters into fragments that fall and clutter the floor. His anger diminishes with the destruction - but it only moves into his body. His bones aching while his pulse beats fast.

He cannot face speaking for a moment.]

Fine! Ignore the fact I have sustained you all my life!

[standvastig]

[Silence.

Hendrik stares hard at the door when he hears the vase shatter on the other side, deliberately taking a long, slow breath to keep from actually saying anything. Another breath, followed by clenched fists as he fights that urge to break down the door.

And he turns his back and heads downstairs. His heavy steps can be heard with his descent, growing more distant as he reaches the first floor.

Several minutes later, there is a text message.]

My familiar will be by with a broom.

[leitstern]

[The message comes a minute too late for him to ignore. With each passing second, the vibrations of his device become more and more unbearable, until he snatches it off the floor. He drops it onto the sheets and lifelessly stares. Despite the anger the both of them have shared - the disgust and frustration with each other's decisions - they did press on.

After twenty solid minutes of fretting and not forgetting, he builds up the energy to write something.]

There is no need. I can manage alone.

[standvastig]

[Twenty minutes is a long time to stand around trying not to pay attention to his phone, so Hendrik tries his best to instead focus on doing productive things. He somewhat regrets calling for his familiar when he cannot immediately send him on his way, so he prepares a bowl of berries for the platypunk to eat while he actually waits for a response.

He's in the process of looking through a cookbook for dinner ideas when the device finally vibrates.

The response is ... exactly as expected.]

Then give the fragments to my familiar. I will dispose of them later.

[leitstern]

[The next response is timely. The need to talk remaining with him more than he thought it would.]

Fine. They lie at the foot of the bed.

[He does not wish to be disturbed. In fact, he just wants to return to resting.]

[standvastig]

Very well.

[After letting his familiar clean up from the snack, Hendrik sends the platypunk up to the master bedroom to collect the shattered vase pieces. He's not particularly worried; the platypunk has proven to have pretty rugged hands and feet, so getting cuts seems unlikely. He goes back to reading the cookbook while he waits.

Jasper may see the platypunk pop into room with a quiet scritching of its clawed feet against the floor. The platypunk spends a moment orienting itself before looking around the bed.]

[leitstern]

[Jasper has turned his back to the door in his attempt to sleep. That his next guest is a monster not a man is hardly surprising; Hendrik's footsteps being heavy on the stairs while his beast ignores them altogether. It does nothing to pull him away his comfortable position but there is notable relief in having another monster in the house.

What a funny kind of comaraderie.]

Thank you.

[That similiar creatures had their minds warped by the Lord of Shadows - and his complicity in that - plays on his mind. He doesn't turn around to see it face to face.]

[standvastig]

[Though the platypunk doesn't look over at Jasper when that gratitude is given, its fluffy tail sways and some indistinct quacking can be heard as it goes about its business.

Ah, there's the vase fragments -- right where he was told they would be.

...That's a lot of fragments. And his arms are far too small for all of them.

...

The platypunk turns around a few times before waddling over to the pile of books on the floor. Picking up a fair-sized, hard-covered book and opening it up, he heads back to the pile of vase fragments and starts transferring all of the fragments from the floor to the opened book.

Once he's done, he lets out a satisfied little sigh, gingerly picks up the debris-laden book, and pops back over to the first floor to present the trash to Hendrik.]

[leitstern]

[The noises the platypunk makes are small by anyone's standards - and Jasper finds himself laying down his head. Unable to sleep, unable to dream. Truth be told, he hardly minds too much, tired as he is of dreaming about people and hoping for his future. Back home his worth is linked to his success; his master's value for his position and the power he wielded as his right hand.

Past tense, because in this world he is nobody. Nobody knows him. Nobody calls on him. It is enough to make him ill.

He pulls the sheets around himself and plants his face in the pillows.]

[standvastig]

[In the middle of starting to chop vegetables, Hendrik pauses when he hears the scritching sound of his familiar walking over. He sighs at the pile of porcelain fragments that were once a vase (that would have hopefully held flowers in the future), carefully taking the book and depositing all of the broken pieces in the trash bin.

As he goes back over to thank his familiar with a pat on head, Hendrik glances down at the dust-covered pages of book and stops. He's seen enough military reports written by Jasper to recognize his handwriting.

His eyes rove over the contents of the two pages with no small amount of bewilderment. Did his familiar unwittingly pick up Jasper's journal? Even a brief look at the pages makes it clear that this particular entry is old -- there is nothing "beautiful" about the weather in Heliodor anymore.

...But Jasper is also mentioning him in this entry...

...

It's not long before Hendrik forces himself to shut the journal. Regardless of how it may benefit him to read its contents, the journal is not his.

And so he retrieves his phone.]

Apologies, but I seem to have something of yours.

[leitstern]

[The entry Hendrik looks upon speaks of light and darkness. A particularily warm winter where the blazing sun is a welcome sight; years of snow and ice left behind for the last time. The end of his education in Sniflheim. Sailing home. Reminiscing of home and family and awaiting his friend. Embracing his hand when he disembarks the boat and receiving the same upon his shoulder. Returning together to Heliodor. Watching him embrace their peers with improved confidence; a man who has grown in his time away.

Words of idealism become concerns. Hendrik now looking down at him instead of towards him as his equal, a difference in height mistaken for a difference in respect. He details how little he enjoys their differences and realises they have grown apart while growing old. Peers gravitate towards his friend but forget his name. So he begins making requests. Wanting stories about Don Rodrigo. Issuing requests to spar.

Thoughts of a sound mind turn into an insecure mess.

One relieved temporarily by sleep.

Sadly, Hendrik's message remains unread.]

[standvastig]

[Seeing as it had taken Jasper quite awhile to respond to another of his text messages, Hendrik does not prod and instead goes back to chopping vegetables and preparing a meal. He's actually well into cooking the stew before he checks his phone again -- nearly a half-hour has passed.

He sets his jaw and tells himself to finish his current task instead of fretting. It's for the best that he gives Jasper more time, considering how heated things had clearly become.

By the time he shuts off the stove, over an hour has passed since he sent the text.

That's enough time. Without the distraction of cooking, he may be tempted to open up the journal again, and so he climbs up to the master bedroom to knock on the door.

Perhaps having something will actually lead to that door being unlocked.]

[leitstern]

[Dreams hardly come easily for a man who relinquishes them. The memory of following them twists and turns him beneath the covers, throwing his arm in one direction and flinging his leg in another. Despite the uneasiness that lulls him to sleep, that same unease wakes him easily. Hendrik's rap upon the door filling him with nerves that jolt him awake in bed.

He takes a second to get his bearings and looks to the door. Surely Hendrik is not hanging around, is he?]

Are you still here?

[Sleep. Confusion. How long has it been?]