I'm never as tired

[leitstern]

🧙 WHO: Hendrik and Jasper
⚔️️ WHAT: Waking moments
🕒 WHEN: Post-event
🗺️ WHERE: Camelot
⚠️ WARNINGS: Nothing yet

[Jasper opens his eyes and nervously worries his lips about the flower on the bedside table. A spray of clemantis, with dark green leaves and a single star-shaped flower. He had not possessed it before awakening from that nightmare. Dressed in night clothes multiple sizes large, laid beneath a duvet in bed. Looking past the twig to the window reminding him, in fact, of not awakening at home at all. Beside him a thin candle offers light and comfort.

Breathe. He inhales through his mouth, filling his lungs for the first time in days. The last thing he remembers is awakening in that pond. The last thing he wants to remember is how he arrived here. Borne in Hendrik's arms or drowsing against his shoulder? Thoughts crawl in his attempt to relive the moment. His chest heaves and begins to sink and swell. It feels wrong and he cannot understand why.

He lies in silent for several minutes until exhaling angrily. The candle flickers and illumiates, air fuelling the flame. Feet slip outside the sheets and alight on a cold floor. Never before has he so badly lost his sense of balance and he teeters forward - stepping on a sleeping platypunk's tail. With its quack ringing his ears he groans and grumbles, hands rubbing against his forehead. Stomach bubbling as the accursed creature disappears in a flash to its master. One hand rubbing his eye moves to support his back, urging him to return to bed. To the stairs. To the door.

Fatigue dries his eyes as begins pacing back and forth, trapped between his desire to flee and a need to stay, stopping only when his path carries him past the window. It is startingly late, the sunset visible over rooftops and across the backstreets. He looks down at the yard and sees Hendrik working in his garden.

There is a flicker of emotion in his heart. Pride? He cannot know for certain.]

Comments

[standvastig]

[Hendrik refrains from biting back that dreams are nowhere so distinct and easily remembered after the fact. How many more times would they clash if he allowed himself to rise to anger?]

It was that dream that left you in a state from which you would not awaken. You would tell me you have stayed here for so long because you were feeding your imagination?

[He doesn't emphasize the truth in the dream again. Not now. The more important matter is connecting that dream state to Jasper being in his house.]

[leitstern]

[Jasper turns around from the wall to look Hendrik in the eye. The question is sticking, an unbearable query that jolts his shoulders, more troublesome than any other. He starts opening his mouth; his red eyes widening. With each passing moment, he begins looking more and more like the crying boy who had been comforted one day long ago.

But those long days were years ago. Every effort is thrown into looking calm enough that his state of mind cannot be questioned. After a few more seconds, he has a lid on some of those emotions.

Enough that he can force out some words.]

Were it the case it were would it make my stay here more enjoyable? Perhaps.

[standvastig]

[He remembers that look -- or something similar to it, at least. He remembers that shaky, unsure glance that he had seen turned his way before Jasper fled in that dream. Further into that dream.

What would have happened if he had actually followed Jasper then? Would he have avoided all of this?

The thought makes his stomach churn. As if he did not have enough regrets in the waking world.]

I would not presume that dreaming forever is impossible -- not in a world such as this. It is an ill idea to pursue, though.

[leitstern]

Not when it is superior to the alternative.

[Dreaming in his sleep should be better than awakening to a world where he lacks purpose. He collapses onto the bed, sitting on the edge. One leg on his knee, his hand against his cheek. Fingers begin playing with his hair - a habit that has endured through all these changes.]

Though of course one should question why you care at all?

[standvastig]

Being a bad friend does not mean I do not care. My sin lies in not knowing you were in trouble or in pain -- not in not caring.

[Honesty is quick to press forth with another comment.]

You do not make it easy, though.

[leitstern]

[Hendrik gives him no time to enjoy hearing his confession before defending it.

Which is hardly surprising. Quite like when they were boys, really.]

That accusation could be levelled at you, could it not? I have never seen a man so poor with words in all my life.

[standvastig]

That is true.

[Why deny it? Even in this position for so many years, he struggles through any time he is required to make a public speech.]

It has been easier to write.

[leitstern]

I find it superior to old methods, I must admit.

[He wipes his nose and folds his hands in his lap.]

It is fascinating to possess a wealth of information at my fingertips. Though I might well perish looking at the shame some people pass as articles.

[He is not a fan of letting anyone edit this world's version of Wikipedia.]

[standvastig]

[Silence. After all that has transpired, is this where their conversation (if it can even be considered a conversation) is taking them? Hendrik has trouble following the swift turn in topic.

Any slip of the tongue fails to be processed in that time.]

I do not spend much time reading from it.

[He really hasn't had much of a chance to read the number of books that had been on his shelf, either.]

[leitstern]

[Jasper shakes his head. Unable to remove his eyes from his old friend, mistrusting of his reasoning, of his motive for keeping him safe and secure after that ridiculous farce. Suspicion does little to wipe the disbelief from his face. It even bubbles in his voice.]

You know that hardly surprises me.

[When he finishes, all falls silent. And they are left with the truth of their situation.

He repeats an earlier question posed towards him. Turning it back around.]

Why are you doing this, Hendrik?

[Why is he not thrown out on the street?]

[standvastig]

[Why? That is the question he has asked himself many times over the past few weeks, never with a consistent answer.

Because no one else would. Because someone else might.

Because I do not trust anyone with you. Because I do not trust you with anyone.

Because I cannot forget a dream. Because I cannot forget a nightmare.

None of them seem like a coherent answer. And so he says nothing for a long moment.

In his mind's eye, he again sees a little boy. A figment of the past.]

Because no one deserves to be left alone in the dark.

[leitstern]

[Though slight by anyone's standards, Jasper's demeanour begins changing. Sharp and acerbic expressions lose their edge, huddled shoulders broaden and curled fingers unfurl. He almost levers himself up from the bed but fails to motivate himself. Should he fail his master then he would truly be left alone in the darkness. A punishment he would deserve.

It sobers him and keeps his tongue tied for several moments. The connections he has failed to make with people feel a similar sort of punishment.]

You have more compassion than I, then.

[standvastig]

I know what it is like to lose. It is not something I would wish upon anyone.

[He can't change people's minds. He can't stop vengeance or hatred or murder or conspiracy. All he can do is continue forward and try to repay those who helped him along the way.

His eyes stray away from Jasper to a point on the floor.]

As was said, I am not keeping you here. You are free to go about whenever you wish. That you have not done so is perplexing.

[leitstern]

I am simply waiting until I feel quite well.

[When he speaks, he hardly believes it, and twists his hair with a finger. He looks up and acknowledges his old friend a moment, pulling his gaze away to watch the wall. Envy, delusion and anger demand he stand and march out the front door. Truth be told, he desire nothing except to sit in this place and enjoy his own comfort.

Upon reflection, he knows the reason why. It is not easy to admit.]

[standvastig]

[It disappoints Hendrik that he doesn't believe Jasper and speaks to the damage done to his ability to trust him. He keeps his eyes focused on the floor as he contemplates what to say.]

And if you never feel well?

[leitstern]

[Jasper takes a second to stop twining his hair so he might indulge in thought. Hendrik's lack of trust in him - for understandable reasons - balanced against how close they exist as enemies. Granted, he has made an attempt on the man's life at least once, but the offering of his neck holds no real value.

He wrinkles his nose and looks at his journal. He might need to write inside it again, after many a year.]

You have a pessimistic view of the future.

[Which is a joke, considering how he feels about it.]

I would have to live here, I suppose.

[standvastig]

[There is no reaction to Jasper's first comment, joke or not. Whether it's because Hendrik feels tired or because he is refraining from spouting an opinion is not clear.

But the second comment is met with a slow exhale and knitted brows, followed by Hendrik finally looking up.]

There is food downstairs, should you find yourself peckish.

[leitstern]

[After a few more seconds, Jasper inspects his fingers, nails black like the night that had covered the kingdom. A few seconds after that he catches his ghostly skin in the window. The sight drives him to look towards Hendrik - looking towards nothing and nobody. This foolish man. What could he possibly say?

It doesn't make sense, this world.]

Thank you.

[For now, he has forgotten good times shared. Ignored what united them - but he has not forgotten his good manners, rare as they ever were.]

[standvastig]

[The response -- the gratitude -- gives Hendrik pause, and his eyes flit to catch a glimpse of a claret gaze. Yellow sclera. Something distinctly inhuman where he had once seen something more familiar.]

Mm. Get some rest. I intend to do so.

[Though he turns his back to leave, he still has to respond to that thank you. After all that has happened, it seems wrong to let the words linger unacknowledged.]