isleofavalon | closed 🌠 the night is blind, so hard to find the way back home

[Again he's grateful when Clover hops onto his chest. If she hadn't... Primals he shouldn't feel tortured by this. He shouldn't even feel anything let alone tempted to just—

His hands are still on her.

Releasing a breath and keeping his gaze averted, he hastily releases his grip and one of his hands awkwardly moves to roughly pet the kitten. There's a small protesting mewl and he quickly softens his actions, but he continues wondering what the hell is wrong with him and hoping Tifa didn't notice. Given that she hasn't shown any signs of unease aside from natural expectations of their situation, he can only believe he's in the clear.

...Why is this so damn difficult... Why is she the one who makes him feel differently? He can't even blame their circumstances because he would never have felt anything remotely close to this. Whatever "this" is.

When she finally frees them of the covers and removes herself, he feels the weight of that tension finally released and can only then start to relax. Of course now he has a kitten to deal with...

Or should he just stay on the floor? Maybe that would be better—

Silently he picks up the kitten and holds her high up above his face, frowning at her. Let's stop thinking about Tifa and focus on this troublemaker.]

Look, you already caused enough problems. You're sleeping here with Tifa—

[Ah, there she goes protesting again. It's just a bunch of sad and angry mewls, but Tifa can tell from his tired expression that she's throwing a tantrum.

"No!! I'm not ready!! I want to sleep with Daddy!!"

Primals why does she keep saying that—]

I told you, I'm not your—

["I miss Mommy!! And my brothers and sisters!! I don't want you to leave me like they did!!"

....

.........

Ah....... Shit now her crying has turned to actual heartbreaking mews and he quickly sits up and holds her against him, his eyes wide as he looks up at Tifa before he looks genuinely troubled.]

...This is bad.

Edited 2021-10-29 20:50 (UTC)

[Tifa has no idea what's going on, and only watches the conversation unfold with confusion as she combs her hair back into place, avoiding Eustace's gaze still while the redness in her cheeks only starts to worsen. The implications of what Eustace is saying to Clover, or her persistent cries, don't make it any better.

She climbs up on the bed quickly, wanting to avoid any further trouble being on the floor might bring, although she has a feeling that she's in for some worse news.]

What's wrong?

[Please don't say it. Please don't say it. Please don't say it.]

[He opens his mouth to explain, but seeing her expression he hesitates and looks back down at Clover. Lips pursed into a hard line, it takes another moment before he finally speaks again.]

...She's just attached to me because I've been with her, that's all.

[In the end he couldn't quite say the truth, but she'll probably figure out the implications as he continues.]

Since this is a new place, she's just...scared. I know it's not ideal, but she might feel more comfortable if I'm in the same room. I can just be on the floor.

[He barely finishes that last sentence before Clover is crying again, even louder this time. Her meows are long, shrill, but sad, and enough to pull at Tifa's heartstrings. Enough to make her fight back a tear while she gathers up the blankets from the floor and sets it all down on the bed. The kitten hops up and stares at Eustace, drilling a hole right through his eyes.]

... Are you sure?

[Her head tilts, and her brows furrow into a frown when Clover turns and meows at her.

This is going to take a long time.]

That doesn't seem very comfortable for hi—

[MEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW! (Not on the floor! On the bed with me and Tifa!)

This one's got quite the mouth on her!]

[This kitten.....

But not wanting to drag this out further, Eustace sighs and slowly gets up before looking at Tifa.]

Which side?

[YEP. They are doing this. He actually considers just being there until Clover falls asleep, but if she wakes up and freaks out...

...

They're both adults, they can handle this.]

[ ....

........

???????

Tifa looks between the two of them.]

What do you mean, which side?

[Wasn't he planning on sleeping on the floor? What's going on? Someone explain!

Meanwhile, Clover's next mewl is not upset at all, but happy as she trots around to where her blanket is sprawled across the bed, the makeshift one that Tifa had made for her ruined by the chaos she'd caused earlier, but she doesn't seem to mind as she curls up in it and waits for Eustace.]

[He just looks at Clover. What happened to all those tears from before??? But while some of it really may have been a ploy, he knows the loneliness she felt is genuine.

...And he knows full well what it's like to suddenly lose one's family, how terrifying it can be to be suddenly alone surrounded by strangers and clinging into the first person who seems safe.

So he just closes his eyes briefly before looking at Clover again.]

One night.

[The kitten looks disappointed... But perhaps because Eustace had been explaining things to her for a while now that she understands a little bit. That this will be the last time she gets to sleep with him before having someone new, and it's all the more reason to be stubborn in making him stay over. Clover looks at Tifa and mews a bit, as if also trying to persuade her new "Mommy."]

If we do this she'll feel more comfortable and hopefully adjust for when it's just you. So which side should I sleep on?

Seriously...?

[Tifa's eyes flit to Clover, then to Eustace, then back to Clover.

She can't be serious... It was already enough that Eustace was being forced to stay over by her, but now?

Of course, they are adults, and they can handle it. It's not like it means anything, right? So why has that nervous fluttering in the pit of her stomach only gotten worse since he broke the news? It's not a big deal and yet, there's a burning at the tips of her ears and she can't quite bring herself to make eye contact with Eustace again.

This might actually be easier if he were wearing a shirt, you know.

Tifa hugs her knees to her chest and pulls the blanket up over herself.]

Uh, it doesn't really matter... not like I have to pick a side every other night.

[God, is she really going through with this? It's for Clover's sake, and if she wants this kitten to learn to trust her, then... Yeah, it's all for the kitten who's just lost her home and her family.

It's not like the side makes much of a difference anyway. The bed isn't very big to begin with...]

[He fully realizes how awkward this situation is, especially after...what happened on the floor just now, but as long as he thinks of it as some kind of "mission" to appease Clover and get through the night, he can keep a more calm and rational mind.

...It won't mean he won't be aware of their closeness, however.]

I know it's not the best arrangement... But it's just for one night.

[Eustace glances at Tifa with a slight apologetic look before moving to the other side of the bed. ...It really isn't that big, and he should know since he used to live in these apartments. But it should be big enough, and he assumes Clover will end up joining them and be in-between. That should work, right?]

[Tifa, on the other hand, can't think about this any other way. She can tell herself all she wants that this is for Clover's sake, but that won't make her face any less red, or the fluttering any less obvious in her stomach, and thinking about it doesn't help either. It only brings more attention to the fact that this is—for some reason—making her nervous, and she can't quite put her finger on why.

So stupid. She's a grown up. They're not teenagers. Come on.]

Right. Just one night.

[Her voice comes out sharp, more so than she intended and almost more like a warning than anything else, and she tosses the duvet across the other half of the bed for him, almost smacking him with it. Unintentionally.

And then she's laying her head down on her pillow, but her body is stiff as a board. How the heck is she supposed to relax and actually sleep like this?]

[There's a slight frown when he hears that sharpness in her voice followed by her unintentionally almost smacking him with the duvet. But it's not like he can really complain, especially since she's clearly uncomfortable about this.

...Somehow that idea annoys him more than anything else, something he realizes is not fair to her since it's only natural for anyone to feel the way she does. So he ends up getting a little irritated at himself and just gets into bed and rolls onto his side back to her.

It's just one night and all they're doing is a sharing a bed to sleep. Compared to a lot of other things they've been through, this is fairly tame if uncomfortable in different ways.]

[Tifa rolls so that her back is to his, and she's practically hanging off her end of the bed. She curls herself up, her feet accidentally bumping his as she readjusts, but she says nothing—best they just pretend it didn't happen, because it would just make the bed feel even smaller. Has it always been this small, now that she thinks about it?

It isn't even that small in comparison to what she slept on in Midgar, and it's a very comfortable bed, but having someone else in it just makes it that much more obvious...

With their backs to each other now, Tifa can feel Clover's small paws over the sheets, stepping over them to find a place to settle between them both. She wants to turn over to give her a pet for a job well done, but he'll be right there. So, she mutters into her pillow instead.]

Goodnight...

[He's a little startled when her foot brushes against his, but he pushes away the strange, awkward feeling. It's bound to happen, unless there's a giant body pillow between them there's no way they'll get out of this without accidentally touching each other. But as long as they keep their backs to each other it should be minimal...

Why is this bed so damn small—

Eustace glances back towards her before he straightens again.]

...Night.

[...He says "goodnight" to Gran everyday now, and he's said it to the others back home. So why does this feel different? Just because they are in the same bed?

...

He just closes his eyes and tries to sleep... Which is actually easier for him to do than expected. He had known he was tired, but he didn't realize how much fatigue he really had accumulated until he found himself in a comfortable bed. He would have thought this situation would still keep him tense a bit, but ironically he's actually comfortable in her company. So it's not long before he's out, already sleeping deeply as exhaustion hits him in full force. He's usually a light sleeper too, capable of waking at the slightest movement or sound that could be a threat, but that won't be the case tonight.]

[Tifa, on the other hand, doesn't fall asleep so easily. She's become hyper-aware of her surroundings, namely Clover being pressed against her back, and the warmth that Eustace gives off under the sheets that it's hard to think of anything else other than that and not rolling over and accidentally squishing the cat.

She closes her eyes and tries, but the relief of sleep never comes.

And at some point in the night, she has no idea when, the twitching, kicks, and small cries coming from behind her has her finally turning onto her other side. Clover is curled up into the tightest little ball, and even in the dark, Tifa can see her whiskers twitching. She slides a hand out from under the covers, and just as she's about to place a hand on the cat's head to comfort her, Clover lets out the saddest yowl before her eyes open and her body snaps into an alert position.

Instead of a pet, Tifa nudges the man laying on the other side to wake him, if that cry didn't already do the trick.]

Eustace...

Mmm...

[Has she ever heard him sound so sleepy and groggy? Drunk from that margarita doesn't count. But fortunately she won't have to try shaking him because the nudge alone is enough to get him at least aware and Clover's cry following him snaps him more awake.]

What happened?

[He sits up and looks at Tifa before looking down at the crying kitten.]

[Need she say more? The kitten speaks for herself, and Eustace will be able to at least understand that she's in distress, crying out for her mother and her siblings in her low, scared yowls.

Tifa is almost too afraid to touch her, like she might break if she does, so she only lays there next to Clover, her head propped up on a hand as she gently tries to lull her back to sleep. She has to give up after a few moments though, because nothing she tries to do seems to work.]

Nightmare, you think?

[Can he translate what she's saying, or is she just crying?]

[Similar to when a child cries, it's hard to really tell what it is. But he doesn't need to hear any words... He can see and understand it very plainly what it is.]

...Something like that.

[Nightmares yes, but it's more than that. Worse than that. He stares down at Clover, his expression strangely blank as if it's a mask as he first reaches out to pick up the kitten before his hand stops just a over he back.]

...Pick her up and hold her. This won't be the last time for a while, so you need to know how to take care of her and so she can learn to rely on you. What she needs is reassurance that she's not alone and that you won't leave her.

[His voice is quiet yet a little stiff, almost detached as if he's just giving instructions and nothing more, which might seem strange in this situation. It's not even him staying calm in an otherwise emotionally tense situation.]

[Tifa eyes him through darkness and the corners of her eyes, noting the stiffness in his voice to match her own movements. She's owned a cat and knows how to properly take care of one, but she didn't have anything to worry about with Maru. He was independent and would always run off on his own, and was otherwise a happy cat who would do as he pleases without much regard for others.

This time, it's a little different.

She sits just enough that she's able to scoop Clover up despite her cries, and gently lays the kitten across her chest, bringing the blankets up to slide over her to keep her warm. She quiets down a little but is still shaking even as Tifa wraps her arms around her. Her breathing starts to slow, and she lets her head down near her shoulder.]

Hey... [Her voice is gentle as she addresses Eustace.] You okay?

[Something's bothering him, and it wasn't that he couldn't sleep.]

...Hm?

[He had been lost in thought for a moment as he watched Tifa take care of Clover and try to soothe her, so it takes him a moment and blankly staring at her before her question finally processes. Closing his eyes, he runs a hand over his face, fingertips pressing over his brows before going through his hair to roughly brush it back before his long bangs fall back forward to cover his right side.]

...It's nothing, just more tired than I thought.

[Is it a little presumptuous of her to think that isn't the case? Even Clover's tiny mewl has a doubtful ring to it, and she lifts her head to stare at him alongside Tifa, whose brows furrow together with concern while she watches him. The blank staring, the beats of silence before he finally answered...

It's very much not like him—he's always so aware and alert, even when tired, and that worries her.]

Doesn't look like nothing, but... alright. [She dips her chin to Clover's head and closes her eyes against the kitten's head.] I can listen though, if something's bugging you.

[ ...

Talk to her. Please.]

[...

He glances at Tifa and he can feel the gazes from both of them. And for some reason, seeing her look...dejected? Makes him feel strangely guilty. It's not as if she's pushing him, and she would likely understand if he didn't say anything.

...Yet would it be better if he did talk about it? He's kept it to himself for so long...

And yet...

...]

...It's not something worth hearing. Rather... It's not something pleasant. [A small sigh as he closes his eyes.] I just understand what she's going through, that's all.

[He opens up a little, and she lets her gaze fall to Clover's ears when they twitch as she relaxes again, but even in the dark, she can catch that smile of his. She only has the smallest fragments of what happened to him long ago, and while she can piece some of them together, she can't assume the entire story. So, when he says that he can relate to Clover...

A strange, burning feeling rises in her chest.

An orphan who lost her home, her family... She hasn't realized it up until now, but there are three kindred spirits laying in this bed right now.]

It's not worth nothing.

[Her voice is gently prodding but understanding. Tifa isn't ready to share her story yet, so she would understand why he wouldn't if he didn't feel like talking, but saying that it isn't worth hearing is an outright lie.]

Maybe it'll help.

[Both him and Clover... Maybe if Clover knows she isn't alone in her struggles, she'll feel a little more at ease.]

[His eyes briefly open to look at the small kitten huddled in Tifa's arms. His guard is clearly up, not really wanting to talk about it. No matter how "comfortable" or "ready" he might be to, it's just not a pleasant topic. But seeing Clover's face, a soft mew escaping her that reaches his ears...

...

There are several long seconds before he finally heaves a large sigh and stares out the window.]

...I lost my entire family and village in one single moment. I was out in the forest looking for the wolf pup I took care of when I saw the flash of light. That light was so bright and searing, it's what caused the damage to my right eye. When I managed to get back to my home...everything was alight in flames, completely destroyed. My own home was gone, as if it never existed. Everyone else...

[...He just briefly closes his eyes, the truth too horrific to describe so he just leaves it at that.]

I was the only survivor and I was found by the one who would later become my superior and pseudo guardian. Even though I was only nine, it wasn't unusual for the organization I work for to recruit orphans who lost their families and homes due to similar tragedies. But as you can imagine...while they weren't heartless and provided what we needed, it wasn't exactly a place to "coddle" children intended to be soldiers.

[There's a tiny breath that escapes her, a cross between a sigh and a laugh, although she didn't mean for it to be. There's nothing funny about this, but it is remarkable how similar they all are. How Clover, so small and young, had lost everything in a flash, and had been found and taken in by a new guardian. How Tifa had watched her home burn and was taken away by hers to where she would have to build a new life. Her and Eustace both having gone through those struggles, now being the ones to help Clover...

It's almost like it was written in the stars, somehow.

She should be happy that Clover was able to find a safe home, unlike this organization or Midgar, and she is... but it only makes her feel heavier with heartache, and she clings onto Clover a little tighter. She's listening to them, Tifa can tell, by the way her ears turn in Eustace's direction.]

I'm sorry.

[It's all Tifa can say to that, because what else is there to say? Nothing anyone says will reverse what happened to any of them, and so all she can do is be there to help him shoulder some of that grief.

But things are starting to make sense now. His eye. Why he is the way that he is. The hardened soldier who had to grow up so much faster than he should have...]

They didn't treat you bad, did they...?

[That breath doesn't escape him and he looks at her briefly wondering a bit. But he otherwise expected her reaction.]

Not particularly.

[A small pause.]

To be honest... I don't really remember much of that time—it all became a blur after I learned why it happened and I started training to avenge them.

[Although the irony of the truth... Ha. A bitter expression crosses his face but he just reaches over to lightly brush his fingertip against the top of Clover's head.]

After losing everyone, I decided to close myself off. Or maybe it was an unconscious decision to protect myself. [From the brutal pain of losing a loved one again. Especially because of the risks the Society members took on their missions and the number of casualties that were guaranteed to occur, making friends and close relationships there was difficult. For a young boy whose heart had been shattered... Impossible.] However, I do remember the pain and confusion, the guilt of being the only one who survived and the nightmares that haunted me.

But that's why... I want her to be surrounded by affection and support instead. So she can grow up with better memories and take care of herself.

[For a brief moment there's a somber, wistful look on his eyes. Enough years have passed where the stinging pain and sorrow have become dull enough that he can think and speak without too much heartache, at least enough that it doesn't show readily. It helps that he finally managed to get true peace over it.

But even if he doesn't say it, it should be obvious: although he closed himself off, he had still been a small, young child completely lost among strangers. He's never said it, but he's grateful to Ronan and everything he did in taking him under his wing and training him. However, although the older Erune had looked after him as best he could, he wasn't a parent. And before Eustace joined the ranks and decided to train he would have been like any other child: wishing to have his friends and family again, to have that comfort and warmth even if it was just to one last time say goodbye.]

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