isleofavalon | September Catchall

He feels a mess and Claude's teasing only makes that worse. Especially when the other man leans back to appraise his work and Lorenz hunches over, face in his hands, groaning miserably as he tilts forward to thunk his forehead into Claude's shoulder. Flushed and flustered, overwhelmed but quite certain he should be horrified at how little it took for Claude to undo all his careful restraints.

"No, you're not." Claude von Riegan? Sorry? For getting a rise out of him? Never.

"I'm okay..." A little gentler, hesitant almost. "I'm sorry, I hmm- got... carried away?" Breathless but apologetic all the same, not that he's even sure what he's apologizing for. A lack of self restraint, perhaps, but he's not entirely sure if that's something he should have a better grip on or simply something he thinks he should, where ever that notion might have come from.

Claude smiles, caressing the back of Lorenz's neck and pressing a kiss to his temple. "Don't apologise. It's supposed to be nice to cut loose, not embarrassing." And for all Claude's teasing, he doesn't want Lorenz to be convinced he has anything to be ashamed of.

"But if I'm going too fast, don't be afraid to tell me, too," he adds, more quiet. "Like you did just now."

The back of his neck has always been sensitive, it's part of the reason why he had an undercut when he was younger. Claude's fingers skimming over it would have been enough to make him gasp and shiver but now, so close to the angry lines of a blooming flower, his hands twist into Claude's shirt and he collapses against him with a sharp little sound caught between satisfaction and something almost pained.

It takes another moment for him to regain what composure he has left, overwhelmed beginning to edge dangerously close to a fearful sort of panic. He's worked too hard to pull his body under his control from the wheezing miserable thing he was as a boy for all of this not to be a little bit terrifying. Should or shouldn't aside.

Lorenz reaches out to grasp at Claude's wrists, pulling his hands back around to the space between them. "E-enough." Though Claude might be pleased to hear just how ragged Lorenz' voice has become. "I love you but-just let me breathe."

It feels increasingly difficult to do with Claude's hands on him.

Apparently Claude had misinterpreted Lorenz resting against his shoulder as seeking comfort, so he's taken aback when Lorenz grabs him. He doesn't resist, arms going slack as he eyes him with a concerned expression. He'd tried to be careful not to touch any of the area around the burn, so why...?

Maybe it's best not to ask for now. "Okay, okay. No more touching, I get it."

Lorenz is quiet for long moments, concentrated on getting his breathing under control, on finding some semblance of calm again. Gradually his hands move from holding Claude's wrists to sliding his fingers between Claude's, curling one hand to raise it enough to brush a kiss to his knuckles.

"I can't... think if you keep-" He shakes his head, burying his face into the crook of his neck for a moment. "Touching me."

Which feels so silly to admit somehow. That he's so tightly wound that such simple affectionate gestures are enough to drive him to such thorough distraction. In some ways it made him worry just how easy it would be to lose himself in something like this.

"As much as it pains me to point out the obvious, you're the one touching me," Claude says with a slight laugh. Or he is now, anyway, because Claude is just keeping still lest he get another tongue-lashing (not that kind) as Lorenz buries his face against his neck.

Then he hesitates, before adding, "Does it really matter if your mind goes blank for a little bit? You do trust me, right?"

Lorenz hisses out a breath, somewhere between a scolding tsk and a laugh. Yes, he's the one touching Claude but it's different, safer somehow. Just holding his hand and leaning into him doesn't make him feel so disoriented. Gradually he shifts over to one side, moving off of Claude's lap (mostly) to settle against his side.

"I do, of course I do. I-" There's no hesitation with that but it then leaves the question of.... what is he scared of?

"I think... I'm the one I don't trust." A strained, embarrassed little laugh and he finally lifts his head to look at Claude for the first time since they pulled apart.

Claude shifts to make himself more comfortable as Lorenz moves off him again, before settling once more. Then he frowns in confusion, blinking at him as if trying to understand what he means to say.

"You don't trust yourself? Why?"

Lorenz shakes his head a little, closing his eyes and trying to figure out how to explain-

What exactly? That he's afraid if he allows himself to just give in to something like this that... he'll enjoy it? He'll end up being just like Gautier? That its just one step closer to becoming some sort of... of... harlot.

Even this, passionate, soul-searching kisses but still merely kisses, is so much. Too much. Things meant for one's marital bed not-

He doesn't know how to explain it, how to make any of it make sense. He doesn't even know if it does make sense but he's not sure if he can make Claude understand. After a long, thoughtful silence, brows furrowed as he struggles to find something he can say that will make some sense at least...

"I've never let myself... want something like this?"

Claude's silent for a while, turning it over in his head. He knows just how seriously Lorenz took Fódlan's expectations of a noble, how ingrained that is even now. And that's all it really boils down to, he's sure, even without Lorenz fully voicing such thoughts.

He won't judge him and tell him he's wrong, though. No -- better to come at it from a position of understanding.

"That was then. Now, you're letting yourself want it, and you have it. It's not so awful, right?"

Claude's silence is, surprisingly, not as unnerving as he thought it might be. He simply leans against him and lets his heartrate come down, breathing slowly.

"No... certainly not awful. But is it really okay to just..." Do things like this. Let himself have something like this? Never mind the nerves that go along with it all, the concern that he's going to do something foolish or make a mistake.

"Of course it's okay," Claude says, a slight smile returning to his expression. "Who's going to stop us? Seteth?"

He clears his throat and arranges his expression into a frown, adopting a stern tone.

"'Claude! Lorenz! Kissing the library is expressedly forbidden. Do so again and I shall have no choice but to inform the Archbishop of such indiscretion!'"

Lorenz huffs a laugh at the impression but he still gives Claude a Look.

"No one, of course, but it- People talk and I know you like to insist you don't care but that doesn't make it stop impacting one's life." He tries not to frown, not to look too worried about it but he can't help feeling like Claude's over estimating people's willingness to look the other way.

This is the sort of thing that makes a pariah out of someone. Consorting with other men? Engaging in such unconscionable behaviors outside of marriage? If word got out it would be enough to have him struck from every social function in Fódlan, destroy his credibility, undermine everything they've worked for. Perhaps, ideally, it would not be the case in the future culture they wish to create but they're not there yet.

"Oh." That wipes any good humour off Claude's face just as surely as if Lorenz had struck him again, and he stares at him for a second with a mixture of stunned disbelief and abject disappointment.

"Well, if you care for what other people talk about so much, I guess that's what's really important, isn't it?" He extracts himself from Lorenz and gets to his feet, picking up the last of his tea to drain the cup. He grimaces as he does so; they'd been distracted long enough that it's turned lukewarm. "I'd hate to stick around and sully your spotless reputation."

"Kha-" He doesn't even get his name out before Claude's moving away, drinking the godforsaken tea and clearly very intent to simply leave. That look he'd given him is enough to break his heart though and for a moment he feels just as out of control as he had while kissing him.

"Don't-" One word choked out and Lorenz reaches for his hand again. "Please? Khalid..."

He clings to the other's hand, trying to urge him closer, trying not to completely lose it. How did they go so quickly to being overwhelmed for such different reasons? He leans forward, pressing his cheek to the back of Claude's hand. It's the last thing he wants to admit, it feels like such a silly thing, especially when one considers everything they've faced in the war.

"I'm scared."

If anything that makes it all the more clear precisely what the Count taught him to fear. The one thing that Lorenz will always be frightened of... is others thinking ill of him.

Claude does stop, setting the cup down and not moving away from Lorenz's grip, though a flash of irritation flickers behind his eyes as he turns to look back at Lorenz.

"...Scared for your status? Yes, you've made that abundantly clear already. That's not something I can help you with."

His tone is flat, and at this point, lacking in sympathy; he's not interested in indulging someone who regards him as potentially shameful.

He's heard Claude use that tone before, of course. Occasionally with him, even. But it's something he associates so strongly with the times he's stood before the Roundtable and put foolish Lords in their place -put his father in his place- that it makes his chest tight and in that moment there is nothing more terrifying than the idea of Claude walking away from him again.

"Of losing you-" He shakes his head but he releases his hand. Of course, with the magic still in place, he could command him to stay but he wouldn't dream of it. "Of being the thing people say I am."

After all he'd refused for so long to believe the awful things people said about his father and it took years with the rest of the Deer's support for him to recognize the truth of those rumors. All rumors have a kernel of truth, isn't that the saying? "I don't want to be the reason your dreams fail. They're too important. You're too important. You need people to like you, to love you and follow you and-"

He's rambling now, scared and worried and surely Claude sees how this plays out?

"Lorenz, with all due respect, my dreams aren't going to fail because a few old fossils decided they don't approve. I've been treated with suspicion ever since I arrived in Fódlan, but I managed to win the hearts and minds of others through my actions regardless. Yes, it was hard, but to an outsider like me, I've never had a choice. The only way was up."

He pauses to let that sink in, watching Lorenz carefully, before he continues.

"You, on the other hand, have the luxury of choice. Hide in fear and do what others dictate to you for the rest of your life, or set the example like a true leader, so others can follow you into the dawn. Which will it be?"

"You know what I want to do." And if Claude isn't going to continue to pull away from him Lorenz dares to stand as well, barely resisting the urge to wrap his arms around him as though he might vanish before his eyes.

"That doesn't mean it's not still frightening." Maybe that makes him weak, being scared of foolish things like this. Worrying so much about what will change because of others' opinions. But public opinion can make or break a man and they both know it. "I don't... know how to be like you, to just let things go."

He finally gives in, pulling Claude into an embrace at once apologetic and desperate. "You are the one thing I refuse to let go of."

That, at least, is said with conviction, not a trace of hesitation. "Illogical though it might be, I still... feel guilty for allowing-" All of this. Just the fact that he's not wearing a shirt is enough for a scandal, never mind that he'd let himself climb into Claude's lap. "Which is not something you should have to deal with, I realize. I- Please, I don't mean for it to sound like I don't want... Didn't enjoy..." But he can't even bring himself to say it, something sick and shameful weighing down his tongue.

"I'm sorry."

Claude doesn't resist the embrace, but it does take him a few moments to fully relax into it, tentatively putting his arms around Lorenz's lower back to avoid touching any of his wounds.

"I assumed," he starts, voice slightly muffled by Lorenz's shoulder, "you were having second thoughts. If your heart's not in it, this isn't going to work."

He also knows that sorting through Lorenz's feelings isn't like flipping a switch, but Claude doesn't want to be the cause of so much anguish for him, either. He leans back a little to get a look at Lorenz's face. "But if that's not the case, what can I do to help make things easier?"

"S-second thoughts?" He looks absolutely dumbstruck for a moment. Both hands come up to cradle his face when Claude finally looks back up at him. "I don't know that my heart has ever truly been in something until I gave it to you."

Lorenz gives him a moment, takes one for himself as well. He wants nothing more than to kiss him again but he's not sure how welcome the gesture might be right now. "I've never- I don't know what will be easier... I don't want to upset you, of course. I'm sorry I didn't... Think through..."

He shakes his head a little, fingers stroking over the texture of Claude's beard. "I just panicked when I couldn't think."

He huffs out a short laugh, one devoid of much humour. "Fair enough. I'm sorry if I went too quickly and freaked you out. Like I said before, if you're not comfortable with anything any time, just tell me, and we'll stop."

That's the best thing to do to avoid scaring Lorenz off, isn't it? Or at least, it's the best idea he has for now.

"It's just that... it hurt to think you cared more about gossip than anything else. You don't have a single thing to be ashamed of, Lorenz."

"I know it sounds absurd coming from me but... It's less that I care about the gossip and more... I don't want to make things more difficult for you. You said yourself it's already been an uphill battle." He wants to be able to make things easier for Claude, support him and help him, not add to the troubles he's already facing.

And perhaps some part of him is frightened that if he is the source of a problem then Claude might simply leave him again and, especially now, he's not sure he could bear it.

"I think... I just might need you to remind me of that. Likely more often than you'd care to. At least for now..." Logic will win out eventually right? Or he'll at least be able to skip over some of the levels of guilt that come alongside... well, all of this.

"As many times as it takes for it to get through that thick skull of yours," he laughs softly, pressing a light kiss to Lorenz's cheek. Better to stay on the safe side for now and avoid doing anything to set him off again.

"I know you'll do everything you can to help support me, and I'm confident when I say having someone I love on my side would never hold me back. As soon as we get home, I'll prove it to you."

Hearing Claude laugh, properly this time, not the dark, humorless thing from earlier, is such a relief. When Claude kisses him Lorenz leans into the simple gesture squeezing the other man close briefly. But it's the way he speaks that really has Lorenz surprised.

Certainly Claude had said he cared for him, clearly or they wouldn't be here. And Lorenz had said from the beginning that he loves him. But Claude hadn't actually said anything of the sort just yet. someone I love he says and Lorenz can't help getting a bit misty-eyed at that. So he just nods, not trusting his voice, leaning in to steal one more light kiss.

"I'd... like that..."

September Catchall

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)