isleofavalon | September Catchall

"Kha-" He doesn't even get his name out before Claude's moving away, drinking the godforsaken tea and clearly very intent to simply leave. That look he'd given him is enough to break his heart though and for a moment he feels just as out of control as he had while kissing him.

"Don't-" One word choked out and Lorenz reaches for his hand again. "Please? Khalid..."

He clings to the other's hand, trying to urge him closer, trying not to completely lose it. How did they go so quickly to being overwhelmed for such different reasons? He leans forward, pressing his cheek to the back of Claude's hand. It's the last thing he wants to admit, it feels like such a silly thing, especially when one considers everything they've faced in the war.

"I'm scared."

If anything that makes it all the more clear precisely what the Count taught him to fear. The one thing that Lorenz will always be frightened of... is others thinking ill of him.

Claude does stop, setting the cup down and not moving away from Lorenz's grip, though a flash of irritation flickers behind his eyes as he turns to look back at Lorenz.

"...Scared for your status? Yes, you've made that abundantly clear already. That's not something I can help you with."

His tone is flat, and at this point, lacking in sympathy; he's not interested in indulging someone who regards him as potentially shameful.

He's heard Claude use that tone before, of course. Occasionally with him, even. But it's something he associates so strongly with the times he's stood before the Roundtable and put foolish Lords in their place -put his father in his place- that it makes his chest tight and in that moment there is nothing more terrifying than the idea of Claude walking away from him again.

"Of losing you-" He shakes his head but he releases his hand. Of course, with the magic still in place, he could command him to stay but he wouldn't dream of it. "Of being the thing people say I am."

After all he'd refused for so long to believe the awful things people said about his father and it took years with the rest of the Deer's support for him to recognize the truth of those rumors. All rumors have a kernel of truth, isn't that the saying? "I don't want to be the reason your dreams fail. They're too important. You're too important. You need people to like you, to love you and follow you and-"

He's rambling now, scared and worried and surely Claude sees how this plays out?

"Lorenz, with all due respect, my dreams aren't going to fail because a few old fossils decided they don't approve. I've been treated with suspicion ever since I arrived in Fódlan, but I managed to win the hearts and minds of others through my actions regardless. Yes, it was hard, but to an outsider like me, I've never had a choice. The only way was up."

He pauses to let that sink in, watching Lorenz carefully, before he continues.

"You, on the other hand, have the luxury of choice. Hide in fear and do what others dictate to you for the rest of your life, or set the example like a true leader, so others can follow you into the dawn. Which will it be?"

"You know what I want to do." And if Claude isn't going to continue to pull away from him Lorenz dares to stand as well, barely resisting the urge to wrap his arms around him as though he might vanish before his eyes.

"That doesn't mean it's not still frightening." Maybe that makes him weak, being scared of foolish things like this. Worrying so much about what will change because of others' opinions. But public opinion can make or break a man and they both know it. "I don't... know how to be like you, to just let things go."

He finally gives in, pulling Claude into an embrace at once apologetic and desperate. "You are the one thing I refuse to let go of."

That, at least, is said with conviction, not a trace of hesitation. "Illogical though it might be, I still... feel guilty for allowing-" All of this. Just the fact that he's not wearing a shirt is enough for a scandal, never mind that he'd let himself climb into Claude's lap. "Which is not something you should have to deal with, I realize. I- Please, I don't mean for it to sound like I don't want... Didn't enjoy..." But he can't even bring himself to say it, something sick and shameful weighing down his tongue.

"I'm sorry."

Claude doesn't resist the embrace, but it does take him a few moments to fully relax into it, tentatively putting his arms around Lorenz's lower back to avoid touching any of his wounds.

"I assumed," he starts, voice slightly muffled by Lorenz's shoulder, "you were having second thoughts. If your heart's not in it, this isn't going to work."

He also knows that sorting through Lorenz's feelings isn't like flipping a switch, but Claude doesn't want to be the cause of so much anguish for him, either. He leans back a little to get a look at Lorenz's face. "But if that's not the case, what can I do to help make things easier?"

"S-second thoughts?" He looks absolutely dumbstruck for a moment. Both hands come up to cradle his face when Claude finally looks back up at him. "I don't know that my heart has ever truly been in something until I gave it to you."

Lorenz gives him a moment, takes one for himself as well. He wants nothing more than to kiss him again but he's not sure how welcome the gesture might be right now. "I've never- I don't know what will be easier... I don't want to upset you, of course. I'm sorry I didn't... Think through..."

He shakes his head a little, fingers stroking over the texture of Claude's beard. "I just panicked when I couldn't think."

He huffs out a short laugh, one devoid of much humour. "Fair enough. I'm sorry if I went too quickly and freaked you out. Like I said before, if you're not comfortable with anything any time, just tell me, and we'll stop."

That's the best thing to do to avoid scaring Lorenz off, isn't it? Or at least, it's the best idea he has for now.

"It's just that... it hurt to think you cared more about gossip than anything else. You don't have a single thing to be ashamed of, Lorenz."

"I know it sounds absurd coming from me but... It's less that I care about the gossip and more... I don't want to make things more difficult for you. You said yourself it's already been an uphill battle." He wants to be able to make things easier for Claude, support him and help him, not add to the troubles he's already facing.

And perhaps some part of him is frightened that if he is the source of a problem then Claude might simply leave him again and, especially now, he's not sure he could bear it.

"I think... I just might need you to remind me of that. Likely more often than you'd care to. At least for now..." Logic will win out eventually right? Or he'll at least be able to skip over some of the levels of guilt that come alongside... well, all of this.

"As many times as it takes for it to get through that thick skull of yours," he laughs softly, pressing a light kiss to Lorenz's cheek. Better to stay on the safe side for now and avoid doing anything to set him off again.

"I know you'll do everything you can to help support me, and I'm confident when I say having someone I love on my side would never hold me back. As soon as we get home, I'll prove it to you."

Hearing Claude laugh, properly this time, not the dark, humorless thing from earlier, is such a relief. When Claude kisses him Lorenz leans into the simple gesture squeezing the other man close briefly. But it's the way he speaks that really has Lorenz surprised.

Certainly Claude had said he cared for him, clearly or they wouldn't be here. And Lorenz had said from the beginning that he loves him. But Claude hadn't actually said anything of the sort just yet. someone I love he says and Lorenz can't help getting a bit misty-eyed at that. So he just nods, not trusting his voice, leaning in to steal one more light kiss.

"I'd... like that..."

Claude's used to holding his deepest feelings close to his chest, especially around people like Lorenz. It's strange to think how much can change, and how quickly. In this case, it seems showing a little vulnerability couldn't hurt after all.

"Good," he smiles -- one of those rare, sincere smiles once reserved for Byleth and Byleth alone -- and moves to squeeze Lorenz's arm briefly, warm and reassuring. "Now, I think you should get some rest. I'm sure you're still in pain, and I've probably given you enough stress to last the month."

One of those smiles that melted his heart so swiftly when they were younger and that makes Lorenz lean in, hovering just outside of kissing him but resisting to leave room for him to speak.

He nods, though, sighing softly. "I am... and tired too but-" Lorenz offers a gentle smile of his own.

"Would it be terribly selfish of me if I asked you to stay?" He certainly won't be able to rest completely if Claude leaves now, after all of this. There's still too much worry nagging at him.

"Not at all. I came here to take care of you, didn't I? Get yourself comfortable, and I'll stay by your side while you rest up." He presses a brief kiss to his jaw before guiding him over to the bed.

"And if you need anything, just ask. I'll be right here."

Lorenz isn't usually one to sleep on his back, thankfully. Though he's not sure how quickly he might be able to fall asleep. Still he crawls into bed, fussing with the blankets for an absurdly long time before he's content that he'll be both comfortable and warm enough. On his side, pillow pulled up to his chest, simply watching Claude over the edge of the pillow for a long moment.

"Thank you..." There's still plenty of room for Claude to sit beside him if he wants but there's also an armchair nearby if he'd be more comfortable there. Much as Lorenz might like to curl against him he's not going to insist the poor man trap himself here.

Claude does settle in beside him, figuring Lorenz would want him close after... Well, everything. He can always sneak off to the armchair once Lorenz has fallen asleep.

Besides, Lorenz looks too cute all snuggled up like that to leave him on his own.

"Comfortable?" He smiles warmly, voice low. "I can move if I'm in the way here."

"Stay..." Soft and hopeful and he's already shifting to lean his head against Claude when he realizes that could be taken as an order by whatever magic has bound them.

"For as long as you like, I mean. You don't have to." For as worried about being able to sleep as he is once he's settled in against the other man he's warm and surprisingly content.

"All right, I'll stay," Claude says, reaching to touch the other man's hair, brushing aside a few stray strands that had come loose from the braid. He still marvels at how soft and smooth his hair is, no matter how many times he touches it.

"Sleep well, Lorenz."

It's probably a bit surprising as well, how easily the braid begins to fall out. His hair is too fine and too silken to hold any styling without something to give it more texture. Even the gentle touch Claude uses now is enough to have more spilling out of the braid. Not that Lorenz minds terribly, not with Claude's fingers in his hair again.

"You should.... find something to read." Mumbled into the pillow, one last thought that it would be maddeningly boring for a man like Claude to sit here and watch him sleep. Whatever he might respond with, though, doesn't make it through the haze of exhaustion weighing him down. Before long Lorenz is curled tightly against him, fast asleep.

"I will," Claude reassures him as Lorenz drifts off. He looks so peaceful and content, and Claude's hand stills so as not to disturb him, feeling a warm surge of affection for the other man. He can't remember the last time he'd seen him like that... Never, really, given the Lorenz of old would never let his guard down around him in the first place.

When he's sure Lorenz's breathing has evened out fully and he's in a deep sleep, Claude slowly rises, kissing his temple gently before going to find a book -- no doubt one of the many poetry books Lorenz is bound to have collected in his time here -- and settling into the armchair. He'll remain there for the rest of the evening, until he finally drifts off to sleep as well.

September Catchall

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