isleofavalon | EVENT ✨ Wolf's Moon

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EVENT ✨ Wolf's Moon

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This is the event log. If you have questions about y event, reply to this comment HERE. Click here to view top-level comments only.

The Fairy Queen sends out an invitation for all otherworlders to an eccentric party with ulterior motives that aren't necessarily bad.. after all, they're protecting players from a ritualistic curse cast by escaped convicts from the Elphame prison. But that doesn't mean it's the party's entirely safe either.

CONTENT WARNINGS:

1st Prompt: Mild elements of body horror in the fairy queen's description (paragraph starting with "Opening the message"); this paragraph is description only and may be skipped without loss of content.
2nd Prompt: Ball prompts include reference to drugs, alcohol, smooching, and fake murder.
3rd Prompt: May have potential for mild body horror depending on player preference, as it features cynanthropy/lycanthropy.

The night before the full moon, a message is sent out to all the otherworlders in the land. In each person's inbox, the message sender reads simply "ELPHAME" and appears to have a verified account, despite that looking into it doesn't seem to reveal much content. The profile pic is simply a picture of a mushroom. Opening the message will reveal a video recording. For the first full minute, a woman simply stares into the video through one pure white eye and one wholly black eye. Her hair is white and fair and longer than can be seen in the video of her torso. Her skin is sallow, gray more than any other color, and her décolleté is peppered with what seems to be shells of mushrooms growing out of her flesh like they would on a tree, patches of bleeding tooth mushroom creeping down the side of her neck.
Atop her head, a headpiece made of platinum formed into the tiniest branches, filled with leaves of precious stones- diamonds, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, and moldavite trailing down in long chains that keep her hair out of her face. Her lips are just slightly parted, painted in what seems to be an enchanted design that shifts patterns as she moves, as if they were a green screened galaxy in real life. There is a stud in the bow of her lips, and the top of her clothing appears to be colorful, but is only visible toward the top of her frame, as her top is low-cut to account for the fungi. A number of small stitched scars are visible, but largely healed. She tilts her head slightly. Even though it's only a video recording, it feels as though she is looking directly at your character. "You are busy bees..." A soft voice speaks, almost as if the wind itself is whispering in your ear and not from a recorded video. "Busy bees could barely bother, but bother is basically all you do. I bequeath you busy bees a bidding. Bother blithely, busy bees, in Elphame as bristling beauties are bound to do. A ball before you, beneath the Wolf's Moon big and bright, betwixt burgeoning fae blooms. Do not baa, do not bray, bruin nor boar will keep big bad wolf at bay. Bop and bounce, ballet you may, or brawl your basest behaviors in my ballroom before break of day. Broadcast not your boorish bumf, though, or busy bees will be broken brisker than bats banished from Beelzebub's borders and bound. Bless my bestowal and with bated breath I shall bade you betokened truth, if truth be told." Whether or not your character understood what was actually said or their brain shut down in the middle of those barely benign instructions, they may additionally notice fairy circles made of tiny mushrooms start to crop up regardless of where they are in Avalon.
	Once night falls, if a character dances in them they will be transported to a costume party within the ballroom of the fairy queen in Nicnevin. Costumes will be magically applied upon arrival, based on a favorite childhood fantasy. (Did they want to be an astronaut? A dinosaur? A cowboy? A cat? That's what they'll appear as.) You can choose from any age of childhood for your character, depending on whether you want to go funny or more serious about their later childhood dreams. Whatever your character chooses to do as part of the party, the following party happenings should be noted:
1. If your character or anyone they know uses your character's name or reveals enough information about themself, they will become unable to disobey the fairy queen in future events. They've technically been warned about this in the fairy queen's message, even if it wasn't easy to understand. B. Alternately, you can have your character's name be captured by a more mischievous party guest fae and play with that as you will. You can be released either by someone else killing your captured fae for you, or the fae saying your name backward. So if your character's name is Stevie, they would have to trick the fairy into saying Eivets. This option to NPC your own fae captor is endable on your own terms, but 1a will be on the fae queen's terms down the line. 2. The party itself is a protected area; refusal to attend or leaving the party before sunset will subject characters to the Wolf's Moon, which has been put under a ritual by a prisoner group released from the fae prison during the previous dark web quest, Banyanished. This ball is being held as a gift to otherworlders to protect them from the second part of this event. (See below for details.) Characters will be told that they are in a protective area if they try to leave and to trust the fairy queen, but will not be forced to stay against their will by the fae. The only people who may try to stop your character from leaving beyond telling them this information are other player characters. 3. Dancing, food (fairy food), psychedelics and drink will be provided to those of age who want them throughout the night. If the partygoers don't seem to be having a good time or the party grows dull, the fairy queen (dressed in the award-winning submission to the Elphame Trader's contest some time ago) will make a demand participation in a party game*. If your character is standing around and not participating in the general activities, they may be coerced to participate. Anyone may join willingly as well, of course. The following party games will be played throughout the night:

a bottle on the floor

Spin the Bottle, Elphame Rules:

Fairies are quite randy creatures at times, and the first game played is none other than spin the bottle. The rules are as such: when it is your turn, you are blinded by fairy magic and must spin the bottle. Once the bottle stops spinning, the person the bottle lands on will kiss them. The person who is kissed must guess who from the circle kissed them; a correct guess will mean they stay in and the blindness spell will be lifted. An incorrect guess will eject them from the circle and they will wander around blind for the duration of the game until a winner is declared. Feel free to play out gameplay or your character needing assistance after being ejected from the game circle.

Truth or Dare:

The standard game of truth or dare. Don't forget to be very careful, as certain truths may have dire consequences. (See point 1, be very careful.) You can play issuing and completing dares or asking and answering truths with other player characters or receive dares from NPC'd fairies, which may escalate to dangerous and magical lengths. The only solid rule is that no dares are permitted to require exiting the party to complete, and lying during a truth gives permission to fairies to steal your tongue from you if they discover your lie at any point, even after the party is over.

a woman gasping dramatically with subs that say "Escandalo!"

a woman threatening a balloon with a knife

Balloon Game:
Everyone loves a good murder game! Everyone is outfitted with a single balloon. You may secure the balloon to yourself for 2 minutes before the start of the game. In the center of the game circle is a pile of close-range weapons varying in usefulness from binoculars and pots to knives, slingshots, axes and more. Magic is also permitted. If your balloon "pops" you are "dead" and will float to the ceiling to fly around until the end of the game, out of harm's way. Do not commit any actual murder or the balloon of the deceased will immediately wrap around you in a full rubber bodysuit and imprison you until the fairy queen can deal judgment. (If this happens, notify a mod so we can discuss Queen Elphame's judgment with you OOC.)

Helping to empower otherworlders to improve their chances of saving the world is the kind of task that can be a little.. subjective. A little questionable when it comes to consent, at times. After all, no one is here with their consent and no one was bonded with their familiar or given magic with their consent. What's a little more empowerment? Certainly, a group of imprisoned lycanthrope wizards seem to think they have something of a solution to increasing other worlders' potentials: a ritual using the Wolf Moon of January's full moon cycle to transform unprotected otherworlders into fellow cynanthropes or, in layman's terms, werewolves and other types of weredogs. Anyone not protected (at the party) will be affected by the curse ritual.

dog in front of full moon

Cynanthropes in Avalon have the following characteristics:

Character is now able to transform into a humanoid dog or wolf form to the extent the player chooses (go ears/tail or full-furry)
Experiences enhanced strength, enhanced sense of smell, night vision, blood lust, and characteristics similar to the character's dog or wolf breed.
These effects are only applicable the day before, the day of, and the day after the full moon from sundown to sunrise on each day.
Note that new weredogs/wolves do not have control over their instincts for the first few months of transformations and will behave aggressively. If in an emotional state, they can lose control of their transformed form regardless of how long they have been cursed.
Though characters can be killed by normal means throughout the month, they can only be killed by silver bullets during the 3-day full moon cycle
Full-time side effects include cravings for meat, animal mages having mild influence over them, being able to eat food from Elphame without being bound to the land, and the occasional hair ball.
It is up to players how painful they want the transformation to be/not to be; you can play this how you want and chalk it up to ritual reaction variation.

Cynanthrope ritual curses are particularly strong and require at least two siphoners working together to break the curse, a counter-curse potion (only available through events), or a deal with a powerful being such as the fairy queen or Morganna.

If your character did not attend the party, left the fairy queen's party, or wasn't at the Red Springs (protected by the mysterious crystals that turn it red during the full moon-- conveniently for your excuse not to participate in either prompt if you want to opt out!) they will become a werewolf or weredog.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Even if I said no, y' probably wouldn't listen anyway.

[ and there's really no good reason at all to say no because that's just more uncomfortable for him anyway. he doesn't mind ryouma getting in since he'd already assumed that was the plan when he'd told ryouma to come in in the first place. ]

Unless it's gonna take somethin' outta ya. Y' even sleep..?

[ there's the guilt again. izō should just get used to that until he sorts this out one way or another.

most of the superficial little wounds look new, probably having gotten them this morning when he'd woken up somewhere and started heading back.

notably, even with the help of the healing, the wound he'd gotten from the sword probably should've had further to go before it could be considered healed completely. instead, only the thin line of a scar remains. there are also a few other marks that he hadn't had before — all similarly scarred over. one benefit to all this, it seems. ]

I couldn't sleep knowin' ya were out there like that...We can rest together after I take care'a ya, alright?

[ His fingers find the mark left behind by his sword, not nearly as bad as he'd left it...Interesting. He tends to the other small wounds instead, using a simple healing spell on them. This is also an excuse to look Izō over for any other injuries or wounds -- nothing major, at least. ]

There, good as new. [ Ryouma can't help but embrace him, even as they are now. ]
...I'm jus' happy yer alright.

Stupid... look out for yer own self more next time...

[ not that he intends for there to be a next time as far as ever being in that particular situation ever again, but inevitably there will be some sort of trouble at some point — look who he's dealing with — and wants to hope ryouma will at least make the effort of taking care of himself if he's not around. izō doesn't want to think too hard about how ryouma must've been in that time to not only be kept awake, but not bothering to do anything else either — even change clothes. it seems so... unnecessary? izō doesn't think highly enough of himself to see a reason why anyone should go so far out of their way for him, even if they're friends. even if he knows for a fact he would be just as restless if their situations were reversed.

but he did say more. small progress? at least in that he's realised the futility of trying to convince ryouma to prioritise himself entirely. but he could do more. ]

Don't go dyin' for nothin'. Yer too important.

[ he pauses, mostly because however he wanted to word that, it wasn't what he ended up saying. ]

... Y'know, 'cause yer better at this.

[ saved himself. maybe. probably(?). ]

Restin's fine, yeah. I'll jus' be sure t' get outta yer hair by sundown.

[ it's just a guess, but better safe than sorry. he hasn't felt anything unusual since he woke up, but there's no telling what'll happen once the sun sets.

he pulls back a little because, admittedly, he's curious. ryouma had healed himself in a hurry and didn't have whatever inhuman advantage let his own wounds heal so quickly. ryouma shouldn't have to carry around permanent evidence of izō's failure, but if he is he's going to have to face that eventually.. ]

Ya ain't gotta worry 'bout me dyin'...I jus' wanted t' make sure ya were alright. I didn't wanna hurt ya like I did an' I'm sorry for that.

[ His shoulder and chest are still marred by bite marks, healed over enough to be scabby and no longer bleeding, but not healed to the extent Izō's wound is. Ryouma doesn't seem too bothered by them; they still hurt, yes, but it could be worse. If he keeps healing them, there will be nothing left soon enough.

That might be for the better. ]

Jus'...Come back here, please. Or I'll go lookin' for ya again. [ He laughs quietly. ] Ya ain't gonna get rid'a me that easily...

'Course I gotta worry! Look at this! Look what happened! What if I got ya bad enough that y' couldn't heal yer self? Wasn't like I could go an' find help...

[ izō can't help but end up raising his voice, because it's all that's been on his mind. it's the last thing he thought of before he'd lost control again. ]

I got exactly what I deserved. No point in apologisin' for it.

[ they're apparently always going to disagree on this one issue, but it's particularly frustrating because izō can't make sense of why ryouma bothers. he isn't useful nor pleasant and at any given time is probably drunk or broke or both. just a drain on everyone's time and energy.

but fine. if that's the priority... ]

Y' wanna make it up t' me? Then do what I said. Lookin' out for ya is all I'm good for 'round here.

[ he expects ryouma to object and doesn't really want to spoil this time with more yelling and carrying on, so he leaves it at that. he also picks up a bottle of shampoo and squeezes some into his hand. ]

Where else am I gonna go? I'll come back when it's safe, so... don't wait up.

[ the shampoo he has? izō reaches up and plops it right down on ryouma's head. if he wanted to appear serious about this, he's already failing because he can't quite avoid not looking amused. ]

Ain't gettin' in bed with ya if y' don't clean up first, though..

[ He doesn't want to argue with Izō anymore. It's obvious this incident upset him and rightfully so. Ryouma has no place to tell him how he should feel nor any right to tell him his feelings aren't valid. Ryouma simply goes quiet and gives into him. He lowers his head so Izō can reach easier.]

Same goes for ya. Ya better be nice'n clean before ya get into my bed.

[ Washing each other like this is familiar and comforting, something they both need right now.]

[ he's content with the fact that ryouma doesn't argue back. maybe he'll listen this time..? izō can hope. it's to ryouma's benefit, after all.

it is comforting to do this, even if it's just a small thing. he's sure it doesn't make up for anything, but it's still something he can do. that's probably why he looks like he's concentrating hard, because he'd like to do it well and he's not sure his hands are gentle enough for this. ]

How's that?

[ it's all soapy now! and he definitely didn't make any of it stick up or anything. ]

Feels real good...

[ Izō’s touch is pleasant and relaxing, enough to get Ryouma to close his eyes. Once his hair is rinsed, he returns the favor for Izō. He exercises the same care as Izō did, even pausing to kiss his neck as a quiet thank you. The night before may have been frightening, but now he's never felt safer with anyone. ]

Lemme brush yer hair when we're done, too, yeah?

[ Ryouma has a special fondness for these kinds of intimate acts. ]

[ the gentle attention eases more of the stress out of him and, at least for the moment, izō can manage not to worry about his usual fears. it's so easy to imagine nothing will change like this — which some part of him realises historically has come back to bite him — but that's a thought that he can push out of mind right now. ]

Oh? Figured that out, didja?

[ it's easy to make the little jab, especially since there's no judgement. izō doesn't even own a brush. what's the point if your fingers work just fine for your needs? ]

But since y' asked... s'pose I can let ya.

[ izō is new to these experiences, so he had no opinion other than his usual aversion to being close to anyone, but he can't complain about any of it right now. ]

[ Once Izō's hair has been washed, Ryouma grabs a washcloth and some soap so.he can properly wash Izō, too. It gives him the chance to look Izō over for any other wounds he may have gotten during the night. ]

Looks like yer in pretty good shape after all'a that.

[ Ryoima can't resist the urge to hug him now, to feel Izō against him. He's warm, he's safe, and he's right here. Ryouma expects him to get fussy about it and that's okay -- it's welcome, even, because of its familiarity. ]

'Course I am. I'm still me! ... Even if I ain't? I dunno...

[ he's unclear on how it works exactly. missing time makes it difficult to understand what was happening.

he looks like he must've gotten into something with an animal or another werecreature, but all the bites and scratches continue to improve just like the one on his shoulder, even now.

when ryouma hugs him he flails a little, even if ultimately he enjoys the hug. it feels like every part of him that can blush is, but maybe that'll just look like the heat did it. ]

Clean enough then? Better not complain...

[ it's not a very convincing pout either. ]

Yer clean, yer clean!

[ Ryouma laughs good-naturedly as he finishes rinsing them both off. Another hug and a kiss and then he shuts the water off before stepping out to get them both a towel. Izō gets pulled into another hug, this one with a purpose to dry him off. ]

No matter what happens, ya got a place with me, Izō...I mean it.

[ it's nice to hear ryouma laugh. izō had worried for a bit that things would always be awkward or that ryouma might actually be afraid of him, which wouldn't be unreasonable given the circumstances. not so much a judgment of what he's become as much as how unreliable he is. ]

Ain'tcha worried about sayin' shit like that?

[ he lowers his voice after that and submits to letting himself be dried off. it's nice to finally feel clean after all the blood and whatever else. ]

'Cause.. y' know I'll hold ya to it...

Nah, I'm not worried at all.

[ He dries off Izō's hair and lets the towel rest on his shoulders. Ryouma then leans into give him a lingering kiss, embracing him once more. ]

I want ya t' hold me to it. Make me keep my promises, alright?

[ that breaks what remains of the resistance he's been showing for a while, as if holding out might make his feelings less somehow (see: it did not). ]

I will. An' I'm a man of my word... if I say I'm gonna do somethin', I'm doin' it.

[ it's dangerous, making such a bold statement even if he's incapable of being direct. does that mean something's changed?

even more because izō kisses him again — because the one ryouma had given him hadn't lasted long enough, in his opinion, whether it had lingered or not. which on its own is just fine, but right now he has way too many feelings swirling around and seeking an outlet just like this. ]

[ There is unspoken meaning in that kiss. Ryouma's eyes widen for a moment before he softens into it, keeping Izō held close to him. ]

Ya are an' I like that 'bout ya. I always know what t' expect from ya. [ Ryouma smiles warmly as he brushes Izō's cheek with the backs of his fingers. ] C'mon, let's get ya dressed so we can rest a li'l.

[ he makes a face, which as usual when he tries that while blushing like this, is not super effective. ]

When y' say it like that, ya make me sound all predictable...

[ and maybe he is in a lot of ways, but he likes to think he isn't. he goes to dress in the clothes ryouma brought him earlier, ready to finally relax for a little while.

of course, it's not his usual thing, so he also takes a second to see how it looks in the mirror. who knows? maybe ryouma picked them for some reason besides comfort. ]

[ Ryouma takes the time Izō is looking at himself to brush out his hair. It also has the benefit of letting Ryouma get a good look at him. Something about seeing Izō in his clothes just feels good, he can't quite explain it. ]

Ya look good like this...Maybe y' should try some more western clothes more often, huh?

[ The t-shirt hugged Izō's form rather nicely, just as he thought it would. He chances another little kiss on his neck as he finishes brushing out Izō's hair. ]

Not that ya look bad in what ya usually wear, 'course.

[ Ryouma puts his arms around Izō's waist to hug him from behind. ]

[ izō doesn't complain about the brushing but makes a face when his hair quits clumping together like it usually does and smoothes out more. and it seems almost fluffier somehow? ]

Hm. Maybe. Ain't so bad for sittin' around in, but some of it don't make sense for fightin'. Dunno how yer managin' in those pants y' like...

[ the hug from behind makes him feel a bit shy all of a sudden, worse because he can see it as it happens in the mirror.

taken altogether it's even stranger. the awareness of where he is and what he's wearing and who he's with and how it's so drastically different from everything he ever had in life it makes his head spin. he used to find himself comparing things to chaldea, but sometimes his mind wanders further back, perhaps because something had reminded him unconsciously. it's nice when he thinks of good times, but also has the unintended effect of making him acutely aware of everything he stands to lose.

he also remembers what kate had posted on the network before — whether or not she had intended to — and then what she'd said to him directly after that. how it's different in this world and maybe everyone shouldn't bother trying to hold onto things instead of just enjoying what's in front of them right now.

and maybe that's true. and izō is very good at impulsively acting in the moment and not considering the future consequences most of the time, but he's still worried. things are different now, aren't they? it's a consequence he can't overlook this time.

izō sighs and his shoulders sag and he hadn't even realised he'd gotten tense again. you know what? whatever. nothing is going to happen in the next few hours, he supposes. ]

I know y' liked what I wore to that holiday thing.

[ Ryouma holds him close for a few moments longer, indulging in how warm Izō is and how good it feels to be this close to him. It's alright to indulge this impulse, especially after how it felt to nearly lose him. He rests his chin on Izō's shoulder now to nuzzle into his neck. ]

I did...I love ya no matter what yer wearin', though.

[ The one thing he shouldn't have let slipped definitely did just slip. Izō can see the shock register in Ryouma's face in the mirror and the embarrassment that settles in soon afterward. It's something he's been forcing down for so long, brought to the surface by what happened earlier. Izō deserves to know how much he means to Ryouma, doesn't he? He deserves to know he's loved and adored no matter what might happen. Ryouma still can't help but look mortified that he let it slip. At least he doesn't say anything nor does he let go of Izō.

May a hole open in the floor and swallow him whole. ]

Edited 2022-01-23 23:07 (UTC)

[ if izō suspected that he might've imagined it, the look on ryouma's face confirms it. this was really happening. ]

Feelin' kinda sentimental, huh? C'mon...

[ it's less like he's saying the words and more like he's operating on autopilot. izō is sure they aren't even the right words but he can't figure out what he should say either. he just feels ryouma's hand in his when he takes it, leading him out of the bathroom towards ryouma's room.

this is exactly the sort of thing he might've wanted to hear once, but so much has changed since that time, izō isn't certain that's valid anymore. he's not the same person he used to be — even beyond his most recent issues — and it's difficult to imagine how getting into this any deeper could possibly be a good thing.

only he can't say that. he can't say anything he ought to say, and he knows it's unfair, and it's just another reason on the pile why he's all wrong for this. too much of a coward to speak up. too weak and scared to walk away. it's unfair.

instead, he leads ryouma to bed just like they'd planned, probably misleading him to think everything's fine. or maybe he can tell because of how quiet izō's gotten and it's obvious he's off somewhere inside his head again..?

izō just wants to lay down before the dizzying, overwhelming sensation starts being real. ]

Jus'... make sure y' wake me up before the sun goes down, yeah?

[ maybe if he acts like it's totally normal? ryouma had seemed embarrassed anyway, so simply letting it go could be easier? izō even tries to smile, but it's debatable how successful he might've been to not make it look strained. it might be okay, if he just goes along with things. it might be okay. or it might not because it's already going wrong and he couldn't say it back and he's not even made sense of how he feels in all this time...

but more importantly, he'd probably let ryouma do whatever he wanted right now. even if it's just to lay here together quietly and enjoy it, there's no fuss. isn't that the least he could do? the one way he can hope to avoid hurting ryouma again.

later. he can solve the rest later... ]

[ Ryouma can't even think of what to say. Izō's silence hurts in a way he can't articulate and in a way that feels entirely unfair to Izō. He just manages a sad smile and squeezes his hand. ]

Maybe I am...

[ As they settle down into bed, Ryouma snuggles up to he can hold Izō close. There's so much he wants to say, but he can't make himself say it. He's such a coward sometimes...It would be so unfair just to leave it like this, to leave Izō with the doubts he surely has. It'd be unfair for Ryouma to sit here and pretend like everything is just fine, like he hadn't just said what he said.

He idly plays with Izō's hair as a distraction. ]

...But I meant what I said. Izō, I like havin' ya in my life, I can't imagine it without ya. Yer important t' me an' so is yer happiness. Don't...Don't let what I said change anythin' if ya don't want it to. I can handle bein' th' way we've always been if that's what ya want. I jus'...I got scared'a losin' ya an' I'd never have th' chance t' tell ya how I really felt.

[ Ryouma is so vulnerable right now that he feels like he might die. It's so hard for him to speak about his feelings so frankly. Making decisions that changed the course of history in Japan were easy compared to this. ]

'm sorry I put ya on th' spot like that...It wasn't fair t' ya at all. I jus'...I jus' wanted ya t' know. An' that was selfish'a me.

[ it's true, it's all terribly unfair. izō feels something ache inside him at the sight of ryouma's sad smile and wonders if he's done something he'll never be able to fix because he's too afraid to act. he used to think nothing felt worse than when he found out ryouma had gone and wasn't coming back.

this might just top it.

it was easier thinking ryouma didn't really care, or at least only cared so much, because it made sense that ryouma might've just woken up one morning and realised what everyone else in tosa already knew. the story of izō's entire fucking life. he almost wants to get angry about it, because anger is easy, and demand answers until he's satisfied. why say it now when it's too late?! but ryouma deserves better than everything he is right now, which is everything he'd become, and any anger dies off before anything can become of it. why should ryouma burden himself with a manslayer and a monster who offers nothing in return? izō can't see what ryouma would ever use him for — because naturally that's the first place izō's mind goes. what's unfair is ryouma pouring out his honest feelings and izō having nothing good to say in return. ]

Yer allowed t' say whatever ya want. S' okay...

[ his voice trembles and he covers his mouth with his hands. laying on his side, he closes his eyes and tries to focus on the warm feeling of ryouma next to him and the soothing sound of his voice. izō can't stop more tears from falling but now he at least tries to be quiet. these are words that should feel good, but izō can only think about what a let down he's bound to be. ]

S'good... Good knowin' it. Ain't a bad thing tellin' me. Jus' the bit about y' losin'—...

[ ah. now it makes sense. it's in case he can't come back, isn't it? ]

Well. Y' know I never been good at nothin' else...

[ that's just being realistic and planning for what's likely. ]

[ He hadn't meant to make Izō cry, but the tears don't really surprise him, either. Izō has always been someone to feel his emotions so strongly they come out like this. Ryouma can't judge him for crying. Instead, he brushes away Izō's tears with one thumb and leans over him to kiss his cheeks. It's so gentle and tender, an attempt to reassure Izō that he will never think less of him for anything. ]

Yer so much more'n what someone made ya into...I know it. I see it in ya, there's more in there and I wish there were some way t' make ya see what I see. [ Ryouma is fighting tears now, too, as his voice trembles. ] Izō, I...Ya wanna know why I left without a word back then?

[ If he's already laid himself bare, what's one more thing on top of it? Ryouma hugs him closer, like he's afraid Izō might disappear if he lets him go. ]

What I was doin' was dangerous...Leavin' meant death. If I took ya with me, that meant th' same for ya...I couldn't handle that thought, knowin' my choice might mean yer death. If I'd known what was gonna happen anyway...I woulda made ya come with.

[ Now the tears start flowing. This still feels so selfish...He kisses Izō's neck as tears fall silently down his cheeks. ]

Jus'...Come back to me when this all settles down. That's all I'm askin'.

Edited 2022-01-25 03:00 (UTC)

[ izō knows ryouma means to make it better by wiping away his tears, but the gentleness of it makes more of them fall despite his best efforts to stop, silently berating himself for the weakness. for the pillow being wet under his cheek now, which is just further evidence of it. that spark of hope in him that always struggles just to exist — the one that hopes he could be something other than a killer — wants to believe those words but always finds it difficult in the face of the body of evidence that his own experience provides. it's all wishful thinking.

but then ryouma asks the one question he's afraid of and izō almost reaches out to grab him and make him stop. instead, he looks up at ryouma with wide, fearful eyes because he already knows he can't hold it back if ryouma is just going to lay it all out there like that. ]

Ya shoulda asked... y' shoulda said somethin'...

[ he doesn't pull away entirely because that would be too cruel, but he sits up because he has to. ]

Woulda gone anyway, I didn't care! Y' know what they said? "There's nothin' left for 'im in Tosa" and—...

[ and izō hesitates because he can blame ryouma like he has all this time or he can just say it. what exactly does he have to lose? they're both speaking like they might not have another shot at it. ]

... and they ain't wrong! Probably woulda slowed ya down anyway, always needin' t' explain shit. I got no purpose 'sides killin'. Like it's what I was born for; swords are only for killin'. Weapons ain't gotta know shit, they jus' gotta be useful! An' I got no use t' nobody! Dunno why ya try so hard. I got nothin' t' give ya, 'cause the kinda world y' want don't need nobody like me. Y' don't wanna hear it, but maybe some people jus' ain't good an' got no reason t' be.

[ and he's one of them. that's what he doesn't say, but it's not hard to grasp the meaning. if it seemed like he was building to something, he loses his momentum at the last second. he's already promised, hadn't he? izō really wishes he'd remembered before reopening an old wound that has never really healed to begin with and then shined a light on it...

his head hurts and he wishes he had a strong drink and wants someone to tell him how to put this all back inside the bottle he's been keeping it in all this time. ]

When I know I ain't gonna wake up and see somethin' terrible I did... I gave ya my word...

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