isleofavalon | September Catch-All

Mhm. But I'm not the only one. Many people did.

[ And none of them were smashing video games on sight. She didn't comment on the bird eggs though— Her mind was back in a dark place she was all too familiar with. The same place it was in whenever she thought about her homeworld and the possibility of being sent back. ]

But I... Unlike them, I... [A pause.] I come from a video game.

[ She was probably good for the insane asylum now that she'd heard that, wasn't she? She looked down and closed her eyes. ]

I'm an AI. A NPC from a video game... Except I gained sentience and became aware of everything.

...

[ She blinks a couple of times at that, rapid, still holding one of Monika's hands. You're a lot nicer than the last one I met! is not the right thing to say, and she knows it. It still almost comes out, the you actually hiccupping out of her mouth before she cuts it off.

God. What a thought, having BB waltz in, whether or not she knew Ritsuka. Yikes.

But that's not the point. The point is that this could be sincere or it could be an elaborate troll, and Ritsuka immediately dismisses the second option. If it is one, she'll deal with it then; she'd rather be as kind as possible. Her voice gentles, and she squeezes Monika's hand, careful of the little injuries. ]

...You know, when you explain it, I don't think anyone would be surprised you were so upset. And if anyone were, you'd be in your rights to break their nose. I know a guy who could show you how, if you need to learn.

[ She smiled. She wondered if Ritsuka would say the same things, if only she knew what horrors she had committed in her attempts to escape? She was a monster and monsters... Hardly deserved sympathy. ]

Ahaha! Well, I do need some self-defense lessons...

[ She took a deep breath. Now that she had started... It felt okay to continue. She might as well let it all out. Perhaps it would help. ]

My game, my reality. It was a nightmare. [Monika's eyes became progressively lifeless as she recounted her experience within the game.] No past, no future. And it was so small. Everything became dull, colorless. My friends no longer sounded like people. I called for help, but nobody heard me. [A pause.] Whenever the game was turned off, I got trapped in a digital hell. Flashing lights and colors, screeching noises and screams. Hammering at me till I could no longer think. Till I no longer felt anything.

[ She looked into nothing, blankly. ]

I would rather die than go back.

I can definitely hook you up, if you want. He looks scary, but he's actually a really reasonable guy.

[ Of all the Berserkers for her to run into in Avalon, there are some far more dangerous options than Beowulf and Asterios.

But she's quiet as she listens. Her first instinct is to reach out and give the other girl a hug, but she doesn't make that move just yet. She knows very well that some people don't respond well to gestures meant to comfort, and she wants to be sure of it before she does anything. She does squeeze Monika's hand again, a little more tightly.

She finds herself thinking, for just a moment, of a Beast howling in the dark: a loneliness that was too deep and profound to be expressed in anything but fury. Even if Monika is emotionless right now, there's still the injuries on her hands as proof. ]

...I still don't think anyone would blame you. That sounds like hell. Worse than that, even.

[ Monika was actually proudly holding the title of #1 Beowulf Fangirl— Not because she had a crush on him or anything like that. But the hero of the first English poem ever? Now that was something that got her very excited. She didn't know who Ritsuka was talking about though, so she simply nodded. ]

That would be nice...

[ She still looked emotionless as Ritsuka spoke. There was more, so much more she could tell. She was a monster. She'd hurt her friends to selfishly try to get the player's attention. Had it been justified, within the context? She wanted to believe so, but even then... That didn't forgive or delete her past actions. ]

It was a nightmare.

[ She took a deep breath and tried pulling herself back together, once again. She closed her eyes. ]

But... We all carry pain within us, don't we? [She forced a smile at her.] I can't keep crying over my own fate like that. I need to get stronger.

...

[ Ritsuka finally legs to of Monika's hands so she can put her own on the other girl's shoulders, then gives her a single, very gentle shake. ]

It's okay to cry over things that are unfair. It's okay to be upset or sad about stuff like that. That's still a part of you, and it's not gonna go away. That doesn't make you weak.

[ Like everything else, this is one of those things that's easier for Ritsuka to say than to apply to herself. But this is also one of those things that she's actually tried to internalize for herself. She doesn't want to undo the grief she's experienced, or deny the things that she's been forced to do in the name of survival--but she hasn't forgotten her original desire, either. She wants to live.

By all rights, her own fate should have been death, or erasure, and somehow she'd overcome that. The last thing she wants is to ignore someone who seems resigned to simply accepting her own suffering. ]

If you're sad, or you're hurting, it's okay to grieve. No matter what you were, or what you are... you still have that right.

[ Everything she said made sense. Too much sense. And once again, she smiled. But while it made sense, she... Really didn't want people to see her like that so often. She didn't want to become that person who depressed others just by her presence. ]

I know you're right. Under normal circumstances, I would be sitting where you are and trying to help someone.

[ She wished those were normal circumstances. Maybe in the future, she would have the opportunity to pay back Ritsuka by helping her. Hopefully not though, because that'd mean Ristuka was really as much of a mess as her beneath that facade.

She nodded and turned to look at her, this time normal enough that there were no trace of tears left. ]

I've been like this since last month though. It's worsening and worsening... At some point, I need to stop crying and pull myself together, don't you agree?

...That's not wrong, but...

[ But. Ritsuka always comes back to that. There's always an exception to every rule; if that weren't the case, she wouldn't be alive at all. She squeezes Monika's shoulders again.

It's not wrong. She can look at this moment and think: this could be me in a couple of months, and she knows she'd be saying the exact same thing. But that can be a problem for future Ritsuka to worry about; right now, this is the role she has. ]

If it's getting worse, then maybe you need to let yourself really go for a little bit first.

...Which, I mean, maybe that's what you just did earlier. Sometimes you've just gotta let it out, you know?

[ Let yourself go, huh... Once again, she was right. If you just let the pressure build, build and build... You were setting yourself up for a monumental explosion. You need to let things out every now and then. Though in her case, it started feeling like things were building faster than she could let them go.

It was scary... She knew what happened when she fell to the lowest of lows. She didn't want that side of her to resurface. ]

Hopefully next time I'll use a hammer rather than my bare hands.

[ She smiled as she said that and looked at Ritsuka. ]

Thank you. [She paused and closed her eyes.] I mean it. Most people who see this would just walk by, you know?

A hammer would probably be more satisfying.

[ It's a joke, but also, she means it. She does brighten when she sees the smile on Monika's face. Success! ]

I dunno if most people actually would, but... I guess I've always been bad at ignoring when people are upset. If I were the one crying, I'd want someone to check on me.

[ Never mind that the last time she cried had been also been a horrible ugly thing, and there'd been no time to stop and process that. Ritsuka still hasn't given herself the time to do it now, which she knows is entirely hypocritical, but... well, that can be a problem for future her. ]

But also, you know... if I go too far or anything, you can just tell me to back off. I'm pretty good at taking cues once I know they're there.

[ She was almost certain most people would just ignore her. Well... Maybe not in Avalon. On average, the people here were kinder and more prone to helping others than people were on Earth... Not to speak of her tiny reality. She nodded as she heard her speak. ]

Mhm. Treat others the way you'd like to be treated... [It was always a good way to see things.] Don't worry, you haven't gone too far at all.

[ If anything, she feared she'd been the one who'd gone too far. She had been such a crybaby... Hopefully things would get better in the following days. No way she was going to get a date with Kipposhi that would further break her and bring her mood to new lows.

Streak of bad luck like that? It happened only in video games! ]

And... I hope I'll be able to help you, if you do ever need help.

Honestly... I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but...

[ But she fidgets a little, as she finally goes back to bandaging Monika's hands. ]

...It's actually been a really long time since I've gotten to talk to anyone like, my age or anything like that. So, uh--even if it isn't anything dramatic, and the circumstances aren't the best--it's nice, meeting people at all? I missed that.

[ Unfortunately, Ritsuka won't know about the Kipposhi incident, but she's excited about this, right here and now--she's been in Avalon long enough to really miss the friendship part of her relationship with Mash. Even with people she knows here in Camelot, she's been just... lonely. ]

So, uh, I guess this is weird, but I'd like--it'd be nice to hang out more?

[ She didn't take it the wrong way, not even close. Though, it was indeed very surprising to hear her say that considering the circumstances... She wouldn't have expected that. Perhaps that was a way to make her feel better? Regardless, she nodded. ]

I can understand that. [She did sometimes feel out of place, too, amongst other people. She absolutely adored her older friends, but it was nice every now and then hanging out with people close to her age. She felt some things came more naturally and more easily with them.] I don't think there's a wrong way to take it, ahaha!

[ If anything, that made her pretty happy. She smiled, her features truly genuine. ]

I would love to. [A pause.] And don't worry. I don't usually cry that much, or break down in public, ahaha!

You never know. Some people are touchy about that sort of thing.

[ Granted, most of the people like that that Ritsuka knows were a lot more battle-hardened and/or intensely misanthropic than Monika has seemed so far: a pack of wolves who had no idea what to do with the small soft thing dropped into their midst.

Ritsuka pulls out her phone, opening up the calendar app. ]

Don't worry. Let's just pencil in one for me, instead, in like... six months, how does that sound?

[ Part of her is worried that this is going to be prophetic, but you know what? That can be also be a problem for Future Ritsuka, and she can worry about it when the time comes. ]

[ She'd met a couple who would have been a bit more touchy... Thankfully, Monika was very sociable. Heck, she would be very cheerful and would come with all kinds of stuff to talk about if she wasn't going through, well. A mental breakdown. Hopefully she'll get better soon. ]

Mhm. I had a friend like that... She was a social disaster. [Yuri... Obviously, her three friends from the literature club were on her mind a lot.] But once she warmed up to you, she was the most loyal friend you could ever dream of.

[ She smiled when Ristuka pulled her phone. Six months, huh? Her sad turned sad as the same thought crossed her mind. If what she had guessed about her was correct... Yeah, she could easily imagine her reaching a breakdown long before those six months. And one worse than hers at that. ]

I can only hope this won't be needed, ahaha.

I'll let other people decide how good or bad I am at being social, haha.

[ After all, most of the time, Ritsuka's approach to friendship was to just keep trying, either until she found something that worked or she outstubborned the other person. It's not the best approach, maybe, but it's one that works for her.

It does mean that she knows very well that her opinion on her social successes is skewed. Oh well. ]

If we hit six months and things are fine, let's just have a party instead. Sound fair?

I think you're doing pretty good.

[ She most certainly was no social disaster, far from Yuri. A lot more like Sayori. But she realized she couldn't just judge her on appearances. People were complex. Maybe she really wasn't anything like her old friend. She hoped so, for her own sake.

Monika slowly raised from the bed where she'd been sitting. Her head was clearer and she felt more and more stupid with every passing seconds. She should get going and make sure to be at her best for whenever they'll meet again. ]

A party would be nice. [She raised her finger.] I'll hold you to it.

[ It takes a second, but only a second, for Ritsuka to get it. She laughs a little in spite of herself--how can she not? It really feels like it's been a long, long time since she's gotten to do anything as simple as this. Maybe they're trapped in some weird multiverse hub world. Maybe Ritsuka's even more powerless here than she was at home. Maybe the girl sitting across from her started out as something nonhuman.

So what? She's glad for these little things. Sometimes you've got to seize these gestures where and when you can.

After that moment, she raises her own hand, the pinky extended. ]

I'll even pinky swear.

[ She couldn't help but laugh at that. Pinky swear, huh... She couldn't remember when was the last time she'd done one of those. Well... Realistically, she'd never made one of those, seeing how none of her childhood memories were real. But still, she was very familiar with the gesture.

She followed up by raising her own hand with her own pinky extended. ]

And I'll pinky swear next time you see me, I'll be more presentable, ahaha~!

[ She winked as she said it. Well, maybe she wouldn't be able to hold that promise... But that wasn't really the point here. ]

[ Ritsuka hums the bars of the song, grinning as she does. ]

I think you'll do just fine with that. I look awful when I cry, but you're still cute.

[ Some girls can look good no matter how rough they feel, and Ritsuka is not one of them. But she still thinks girls who can pull it off should be told that! And especially one who's been having a hard time. ]

[ Monika would point out that the only reason she still looked cute while crying was because she'd been created as a character in a video game where each of the girls had trauma— And therefore had been designed to still look good even while crying. But she didn't really want to go back to that topic. ]

Ahaha, I'm sure it's not true. I do hope we'll never have a reason to see it though.

[ Even though... She had a feeling she would see it sooner or later, unfortunately. ]

Thank you for everything. I-I probably should get going now and not steal any more of your time.

Fine, fine--but if you ever wanna chat later, I'm usually awake!

[ That's probably not reassuring, but it's also clear that Ritsuka herself doesn't realize what flags that might be throwing. Ritsuka is all about not worrying about something that abstractly far ahead in her future. ]

Sleep is for the week, and I only sometimes give in.

September Catch-All

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