Sizhui's reassurances are without a doubt sincere and speak of a depth of patience and empathy that is remarkable, in a way that feels distantly familiar, as if reminding him of someone absent. Once again frustratingly out of his reach, a presence nameless and faceless, locked away in his own mind behind a door without a key. Sizhui says it is alright to have nothing to give in return for all their care and efforts, for all the worry and disruption he has been causing. But how can that be true? How can any of this be alright, how should it not be held against him, when he is so incomplete that he cannot even manage the most basic respect of remembering the people that matter most in his life.
But he also feels, equally as strongly, that Sizhui's words must be valued. If he can't do anything else, he can still strive to deserve his disciples' and his friend's kindness. He feels that he trusts them unconditionally, so should he not also trust that their loyalty isn't misplaced?
"Sizhui is insightful beyond his years," he acknowledges after a moment, the troubled crease between his brows relenting as he does his best to take the boy's words to heart. He inclines his head minutely towards him, though not fully meeting his gaze and unable to banish the regret and longing entirely from his voice as he muses, "I must be proud of you." If only he knew how this child came to be like this, what their relationship is meant to be like. The memories he can't access are not only a fault, but also a precious treasure lost to him.
The praise in that acknowledgement has Sizhui looking down again, mildly embarrassed but holding a warmth in his heart that doesn't dissapate. If he seems insightful or patient or kind, then he can only thank Hanguang-jun for teaching him in much the same way over the years. But the words that follow after are both comforting and sobering. Such direct praise was uncommon to hear where his mentor was concerned. Even so, Sizhui knew from the bottom of his heart the pride was there, implicit in the trust that Hanguang-jun placed in him and the warm expressions that passed between them. The words themselves weren't necessary... though now they feel tinged with a sadness that Sizhui wishes wasn't there.
His lips close, pressing together for a moment to hold back his own emotion, and he nods in affirmation. He would be proud... At least, that is Sizhui's hope with everything that he does. "Hanguang-jun has taught me with patience and kindness. To not judge by appearances. To be generous with others. To rely on my own experiences." All Lan principles to be sure, but the emphasis was his. Many of the other principles had their own merits, but they paled in comparison to these that had been nurtured with care in his heart.
But Sizhui hesitates on his next words, unsure if they'll be well received or not. The gratitude that he feels is so deeply ingrained from the first moments that he can remember, and it was possible that would feel like just another burden to someone with no memory of raising him. And yet, he wonders if it might be a relief to know that he isn't alone on this path. That he can share those burdens if he wants, and that Sizhui would be glad to lighten the load on his heart even just a little.
"...When I was in the same place, Hanguang-jun was the only one familiar to me," he continues, halting and unsure but building strength. "A feeling of safety in a sea of strange faces and buildings. Paying back even half the kindness I was shown then would take more than one lifetime; but I still hope that my experiences can help Hanguang-jun with his."
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But he also feels, equally as strongly, that Sizhui's words must be valued. If he can't do anything else, he can still strive to deserve his disciples' and his friend's kindness. He feels that he trusts them unconditionally, so should he not also trust that their loyalty isn't misplaced?
"Sizhui is insightful beyond his years," he acknowledges after a moment, the troubled crease between his brows relenting as he does his best to take the boy's words to heart. He inclines his head minutely towards him, though not fully meeting his gaze and unable to banish the regret and longing entirely from his voice as he muses, "I must be proud of you." If only he knew how this child came to be like this, what their relationship is meant to be like. The memories he can't access are not only a fault, but also a precious treasure lost to him.
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His lips close, pressing together for a moment to hold back his own emotion, and he nods in affirmation. He would be proud... At least, that is Sizhui's hope with everything that he does. "Hanguang-jun has taught me with patience and kindness. To not judge by appearances. To be generous with others. To rely on my own experiences." All Lan principles to be sure, but the emphasis was his. Many of the other principles had their own merits, but they paled in comparison to these that had been nurtured with care in his heart.
But Sizhui hesitates on his next words, unsure if they'll be well received or not. The gratitude that he feels is so deeply ingrained from the first moments that he can remember, and it was possible that would feel like just another burden to someone with no memory of raising him. And yet, he wonders if it might be a relief to know that he isn't alone on this path. That he can share those burdens if he wants, and that Sizhui would be glad to lighten the load on his heart even just a little.
"...When I was in the same place, Hanguang-jun was the only one familiar to me," he continues, halting and unsure but building strength. "A feeling of safety in a sea of strange faces and buildings. Paying back even half the kindness I was shown then would take more than one lifetime; but I still hope that my experiences can help Hanguang-jun with his."