As the terseness of Hanguang-jun's expression eases and the verbal reassurance drifts over Sizhui, the tension of his shoulders likewise ebbs and his gaze lifts hopefully from the ground. There's a relief that settles in his chest briefly, glad to have passed through that trial without invoking any further ire. Has Hanguang-jun ever actually been angry with him before? Not that he can recall, and he's not sure that his heart could have withstood that response.
But the one that follows is still troubling enough. The trouble isn't in the asking... Sizhui turns that thought over for several seconds, at first just trying to absorb it and then trying to gauge what his response should be. If not in the asking, then the trouble must be in the answering.
He can't quite remember exactly how it had been in those early days. Just that everything had been confusing and frightening, all the more difficult for a child to understand. Had things gotten better as he got older because of his age? Or because the people around him had built him a new foundation? He can't imagine Hanguang-jun being afraid, and that isn't the feeling that he gets from his mentor; but the frustration is palpable, and that much Sizhui can understand.
Having questions without answers, instruction but no memories to rely on, had been a fraught train of thought for a long time. What was he to do when told to pay respects, if he had neither names or faces to honor? How could a child that had forgotten his parents possibly be loyal and filial? He couldn't follow those instructions anymore than a man with two broken legs could walk, and for a long time it had felt like a personal failing. It was only when he had begun to replace those holes with new people, trying his best to hold them side by side in his heart, that he had begun to accept that he could only do his best. If he was to respect and remember his elders, then he would do so for the ones that he knew. If he was told to be loyal and filial, then he would be to the one that felt most like a father. No one could ask him to do more than that.
"It's alright if you don't have answers to give," Sizhui finally offers, finding himself again in the position of giving guidance to his mentor. The one that had taught him with so much wisdom over the years. He only hopes that he can return even half as much. "It must seem like we've been putting pressure on you to recover quickly, but it's not something that you can will into happening. I know that, and I'm sure that Wei-qianbei and Klaudia understand as well. We wouldn't hold it against you."
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But the one that follows is still troubling enough. The trouble isn't in the asking... Sizhui turns that thought over for several seconds, at first just trying to absorb it and then trying to gauge what his response should be. If not in the asking, then the trouble must be in the answering.
He can't quite remember exactly how it had been in those early days. Just that everything had been confusing and frightening, all the more difficult for a child to understand. Had things gotten better as he got older because of his age? Or because the people around him had built him a new foundation? He can't imagine Hanguang-jun being afraid, and that isn't the feeling that he gets from his mentor; but the frustration is palpable, and that much Sizhui can understand.
Having questions without answers, instruction but no memories to rely on, had been a fraught train of thought for a long time. What was he to do when told to pay respects, if he had neither names or faces to honor? How could a child that had forgotten his parents possibly be loyal and filial? He couldn't follow those instructions anymore than a man with two broken legs could walk, and for a long time it had felt like a personal failing. It was only when he had begun to replace those holes with new people, trying his best to hold them side by side in his heart, that he had begun to accept that he could only do his best. If he was to respect and remember his elders, then he would do so for the ones that he knew. If he was told to be loyal and filial, then he would be to the one that felt most like a father. No one could ask him to do more than that.
"It's alright if you don't have answers to give," Sizhui finally offers, finding himself again in the position of giving guidance to his mentor. The one that had taught him with so much wisdom over the years. He only hopes that he can return even half as much. "It must seem like we've been putting pressure on you to recover quickly, but it's not something that you can will into happening. I know that, and I'm sure that Wei-qianbei and Klaudia understand as well. We wouldn't hold it against you."