[ izō finds himself at a loss for words again, but at least this time it's a lot less agonising than it had felt when he was simply faced with the weight of the whole concept. no one's ever said so much and so specifically, pointing out things he might actually like about himself if he didn't see all of his failings so much more clearly. ]
... All'a that's jus' about me.
[ he's been waiting for ryouma to tell him whatever it is that he's done or he's given or at least what would be expected of him. considering who he'd spent most of his life looking up to, is it really any surprise he has a distorted idea of these things? he only knows how to fit things in the little boxes other people gave him. and what does anything mean without some sort of social contract built into it?
and he's always appreciated how ryouma's never fit. that's interesting. even when he'd tried not to care, izō couldn't help it. he'd thought about that a lot after they'd failed to find the dragon and he sat there for hours angrily typing lines and lines of text to argue a point he didn't even realise mattered to him that much until it did.
it's fitting that ryouma got all wrapped up in his ships and the sea because he could draw that comparison if he were the sort to be poetic in that way. that's why ryouma never fit in a neat way everything else did. it feels like a step izō has to take and might as well be like stepping off the safety of the familiar shore and it's another reason it feels too big to handle; he isn't sure he's capable of being anything more than he already is right now. what if all those things ryouma sees in him turns out to be inadequate because he'll always just be this. limited. if ryouma's something great then he's like a crawling thing on the earth. not much to say about it.
and he's selfish, because it still feels that way to reciprocate any of it because that feels like he's leading ryouma on when the future feels as uncertain as it does right now. still, he can't talk himself out of kissing ryouma because he's not strong enough to have that sort of self-discipline. it's probably the wrong sort of kiss for a time like this too. he hates that it's probably obvious how conflicted he feels and hates even more that it feels like a goodbye because everything about this has a certain finality to it that hurts more than the rest. that's why he keeps caving to it; he really might not have another chance.
it's not until he pulls back to take a proper breath that he realises what he's done. that probably counts as showing the thing he couldn't say, doesn't it? even so, it doesn't really count until he says it, he's sure. there are probably certain things that you just have to say. ]
no subject
... All'a that's jus' about me.
[ he's been waiting for ryouma to tell him whatever it is that he's done or he's given or at least what would be expected of him. considering who he'd spent most of his life looking up to, is it really any surprise he has a distorted idea of these things? he only knows how to fit things in the little boxes other people gave him. and what does anything mean without some sort of social contract built into it?
and he's always appreciated how ryouma's never fit. that's interesting. even when he'd tried not to care, izō couldn't help it. he'd thought about that a lot after they'd failed to find the dragon and he sat there for hours angrily typing lines and lines of text to argue a point he didn't even realise mattered to him that much until it did.
it's fitting that ryouma got all wrapped up in his ships and the sea because he could draw that comparison if he were the sort to be poetic in that way. that's why ryouma never fit in a neat way everything else did. it feels like a step izō has to take and might as well be like stepping off the safety of the familiar shore and it's another reason it feels too big to handle; he isn't sure he's capable of being anything more than he already is right now. what if all those things ryouma sees in him turns out to be inadequate because he'll always just be this. limited. if ryouma's something great then he's like a crawling thing on the earth. not much to say about it.
and he's selfish, because it still feels that way to reciprocate any of it because that feels like he's leading ryouma on when the future feels as uncertain as it does right now. still, he can't talk himself out of kissing ryouma because he's not strong enough to have that sort of self-discipline. it's probably the wrong sort of kiss for a time like this too. he hates that it's probably obvious how conflicted he feels and hates even more that it feels like a goodbye because everything about this has a certain finality to it that hurts more than the rest. that's why he keeps caving to it; he really might not have another chance.
it's not until he pulls back to take a proper breath that he realises what he's done. that probably counts as showing the thing he couldn't say, doesn't it? even so, it doesn't really count until he says it, he's sure. there are probably certain things that you just have to say. ]